Moira: David, I need you. I was speaking to Jocelyn about this fundraiser she's apparently organizing-
Johnny: Whoa-whoa, you-you were talking to Jocelyn?
Moira: Yes, about the fundraiser, and the poor thing looked like a deer caught in the headlights. And I cannot stand by and watch this woman drive a perfectly worthy cause into the ground.

Johnny: I will get the cake with your sister. All you've gotta do is keep your mother under control.
David: The North Korean army could not keep my mother under control when it comes to event planning.

Johnny: Where are we?
Alexis: Um, we're almost there. The last sign I saw said "Exit Elmdale," so I haven't seen it yet, but we should be getting there soon.
Johnny: The last sign said "Exit Elmdale?"
Alexis: Mm-hmm.
Johnny: Well, that was the exit to Elmdale. We've gone too far, we've gotta turn back!
Alexis: But you were sleeping!
Johnny: Well, wake me up!
Alexis: No! Because you're so grumpy when you wake- Like you're grumpy right now.

Jocelyn: Well, Moira, in regards to the decorations, David was kind enough to offer me an incredibly long list of the things to stay away from.
Moira: Darling, one does not just stick a red nose on it and call it an event. There is an order to these things.

Moira: Again, what is the organization that it's for?
Jocelyn: The surgeons-
David: Uh, the doctors who un-cleft the mouths.
Moira: Never heard of it. And who are the trustees?
David: I don't think they're gonna come.
Moira: Oh, how very churlish of them.

David: Okay, I'm gonna ask you to put some pieces together here for me. We are throwing a "fundraiser" that just so happens to be on the same night as your birthday.
Moira: Must you rub it in?
David: We're throwing a "fundraiser" on your birthday.
Moira: Now you're just being cruel.
David: The fundraiser isn't real. It's not a real thing.
Moira: Oh you're planning a birthday thing-
David: Mm-hmm.
Moira: That I'm not supposed to know about.
David: Mm-mm.
Moira: In a barn?

Moira: Wait, wait, wait. One last check. [to Alexis] Gorgeous. [to Johnny] Perfection. [to David] Like your father the day I married him. Look at us, the Roses, attending this town's most illustrious fundraising gala.
David: I think you're overselling it just a bit.

Moira: Where are all the patrons?
Johnny: Well, I don't know. Do we have the wrong night?
All: Surprise!
Moira: What?! There's no fundraiser?! You're just here to celebrate me? Oh, never in the history of surprises has one been so delightfully blindsided.
Johnny: [to David & Alexis] Okay, who told her?

Alexis: Hey, um, you look really amazing.
Mutt: Well, I didn't wanna be the only one not wearing a suit.
Alexis: Um, did you have to kill a man to get it, or..?
Mutt: I did. It took me a couple to find one in my size.

Johnny: We can't afford the candles. They're $2.49.
Alexis: They don't just come with the cake?
Johnny: No, apparently not.
Alexis: Like matches when you buy cigarettes?
Johnny: You smoke?
Alexis: Um... no.