Roland: And I know that a wise man once wrote: "Thank you to my wife, Moira."
Johnny: That's just the dedication, Roland.
Roland: That's as far as I got, Johnny. I'm sorry, I'm partial to historical fiction.

Alexis: So you still said yes?
Moira: I did. But on the condition that Clifton be written off the show death of my choosing. And I asked for more money.
Alexis: Okay. Yass, Mom.
Moira: And a diamond tennis bracelet.
Alexis: Okay. Well, that seems like a bit much. But it still sounds like you got what you're worth?
Moira: Oh, God no. I made them an offer they had to refuse.
Alexis: So, you're not doing it then?
Moira: No. Thank you, Alexis. Thank you for removing my rosy lunettes, so that I might see Clifton for who he really is. If you did all that without getting out of bed, imagine what you're capable of doing.

David: Okay, how is it that your daughter is also trapped in the cave but has never looked up once. You've been hanging over her for three straight episodes.
Moira: Oh, you know, children, this is where the season picks up. When the cave starts talking back to me. Voiced by the wonderful Peter Falk.
Alexis: I was gonna go for a run.
Moira: Shh. She's about to look up.

Johnny: How are we gonna cover these costs?
Roland: Well, I gave one of my kidneys to my cousin Bruce. Uh, we can see how I run on an empty tank.

Johnny: Looks very impressive, son. Expensive but impressive! Oh, I like this, little side salad.
David: Poor thing. That's the garnish for the lobster roll.
Johnny: Lobster! Ah. Are we inviting The Vanderbilts?

Johnny: Just the "little farmer's breakfast" for me, Twyla. I've got the tasting for the wedding this afternoon. Don't wanna spoil my appetite.
Twyla: Oh! You're not using the café for catering?
Moira: Yes, John. Why wouldn't you have Twyla cater David's big day?
Twyla: Well, the food for the wedding is my gift to David, so it's really his decision.
David: [chuckles] It's just the more you keep mentioning that it's a gift, the less and less it feels like a gift.
Johnny: You know, I-I was just thinking that, you know, how can Twyla enjoy herself at the wedding if she's-if she's working?
Twyla: I'm invited to the wedding?
David: Sure looks like it. [both laugh]

Johnny: Well, thanks for turning up so early, everyone. And welcome. My name is Johnny...
Roland: Johnny Rose. It's printed right here on the cover of the book that he's handing out to all of you.
Roland: And my name is Roland Schitt... And I'm the boss you're gonna come to when you don't understand why this guy is making you read about VHS tapes.
Johnny: Not exactly the united front we had discussed, Roland.
Roland: Well, Johnny, somebody has to inspire these people.

Moira: And where do we think we're going?
Alexis: Well, I feel like your publicist should be there if you're meeting with Tickle Bernstein.
Moira: [chuckles] Tippy. It's Tippy, and no, not necessary, dear. Not in your condition. Thank you.
Alexis: No, it's fine. I'll just throw on some clothes.
Moira: No! I insist. Mummy can handle this one all by herself. All right? What's important is that you stay here where no one can see you and focus on your critical self-care.

Moira: Oh, I wanna see this.
[on an old Sunrise Bay:]
Clifton Sparks: You can and you know it!
Moira: How dare you make me kill my father twice! [repeated slaps] You'll pay for this one day.

Stevie: Mr. Rose, this looks pretty fancy. You sure you're okay to pay for it? I know you have the motel to worry about.
Johnny: Well, I can't back out now, Stevie.
Stevie: David would understand. I mean, not at first, but deep down he's not a total monster.