Patrick: It just doesn't make any sense. I mean, I can understand taking the wine, but who steals a jar of tapenade? And the brie?!
David: Yeah, the brie. Stevie? The brie?
Stevie: Well, at least we know if the cops don't get him, his cholesterol will.

David: Obviously they need to be funny, and smart, and have well-rounded sense of humour and a wide range of knowledge.
Stevie: Oh, all those types of people move away from here.
David: That's funny.
Stevie: No, I'm serious.

Moira: But this is actually a good distraction for you. Because when you're on stage, you're going to have to drown it all out. Okay, so let's now focus on the image you were about to conjure for me.
Stevie: Okay, I'm in the Town Hall. I'm wearing my maroon plaid hoodie. And I'm feeling very uncomfortable.
Moira: Hmm, vivid. Visceral. Excellent, Stevie. Although the exercise does ask us to recall a traumatic event in our life. This sounds almost as if you're describing what's happening right now.
Stevie: Well, I am.
Moira: Oop, there's that razor sharp wit that landed you the role.

David: Hi, um, question. If one were to theoretically look for a job here in Schitt's Creek, where would you suggest that that person go to look? Is there, like, a bulletin board or a pamphlet, or something with information on it?
Stevie: No. No bulletin board. What kind of job are you looking for?
David: Um, something in, like, art curating or trend forecasting.
Stevie: Oh, okay. Um, hmmm, let's see. Not seeing anything in art curating or trend forecasting. That's weird.

Stevie: There's a tool shed out back, the other side of the motel.
David: Okay.
Stevie: Will you be requiring a tool box?
David: Maybe? Um, let's go with yes, just to be safe.
Stevie: Will you be needing your basic toolbox, or your "cedar chest" tool box?
David: Obviously the cedar chest tool box!
Stevie: Oh, that's in the shed. It's a big wooden box, with the words, "tools to make a cedar chest" carved into the side of it, so it's really clear...
David: Okay. I'm assuming you're kidding. Um... But in the off chance that you're not, where in the shed would I find that box?
Stevie: [mouths] Wow.
David: You're kidding.

Johnny: Look, we are sold out. I just booked the last room.
Stevie: Are you sure you didn't put the same reservation in twice? Because you've done that before.
Johnny: No. Booked. We can now fire up the 'no' in the 'no vacancy' sign.
Stevie: Oh, yeah, that burnt out years ago. Sadly it hasn't been an issue, but maybe we could use the 'no' from the 'no refunds' sign.

Stevie: Can I help you?
David: I'm looking for an extra towel. And this might be a stupid question, considering the state of the rugs in our room, but do you have a business center here?
Stevie: Yes, we do have a business center. You can find it right outside the doors to your left, right beside the Hammam spa. Would you like me to book you a treatment while you're at it?
David: Thank you, no, just the towel, thanks.
Stevie: I'll get those right out.

David: Okay, can I ask you a question?
Stevie: Shoot.
David: I think you're kind of rude!
Stevie: Is that a question?
David: I have asked you thrice now for a towel, so that I may wash this town off my body. Do you think I wanna be here?
Stevie: Do you think I wanna be here?!
David: I don't know what you want, you've given me one word answers since I got here!
Stevie: So if I get you a towel you'll stop following me to my car?
David: Yes! Yes!
Stevie: Fine, but I'm only doing this because you called me rude, and I take that as a compliment.

Alexis: So, why are you single?
Stevie: Who said I'm single?
Alexis: Girl, we are on the hunt. I hope you're single.
Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not "on the hunt". A town this size, you've either been through 'em or know a little too much about 'em.

Stevie: Welcome. Make yourselves at home. Just so you know, there's nothing in the fridge. Oh, and I marked the booze, so I'll know if you touch it.
Patrick: I noticed the line is a couple inches above where the whiskey starts.
David: I am stunned by your generosity.