Ronnie: Roland, the rules say that we can't play if we don't have nine players! And I can't stomach the thought of Patrick's team winning by default. The man looks like a thumb!

Ronnie: Here's your garbage stick. You use it to pick up garbage. And here-
Alexis: Oh no, I'm fine. Thank you, that's very sweet.
Ronnie: This isn't "Say Yes to the Dress", princess. Orange is the new orange.

Johnny: Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland to be in charge of-
Ronnie: Ten too many, Johnny. You gotta be short and quick, like Roland in the bedroom.
Bob: [laughs] Now, that, that one kills every year.
Johnny: Oh, no, I love that one. Is that one up for grabs?
Ronnie No. You've gotta go for the jugular, Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to work, which, up until now, was the most boring part of my day.

Ronnie: I know the florist. I can see if she can throw in some extra flowers.
Johnny: Ronnie, you don't seem to realize we don't have the time.
Ronnie: Johnny, when I say I know the florist, I mean, I know the florist.
Johnny: Oh.
Patrick: Yes! Ronnie! That's great! Thank you so much.
Ronnie: I'm doing this for David.
Patrick: Of course you are.

Moira: But this cause affects everyone. We all know, or are, people who live in the motel. In closing, I move that we free up heritage funds for the motel, effective immediately, all in favour, say Aye. Ronnie, you're with me? I see that you're scratching. Bob! You're making a note!
Bob: Oh, just writing uh, "Visit new pulp mill." Yeah, Roland got me thinking.
Roland: I hear the floors are so clean, you can eat your lunch off them.
Ronnie: I laid those floors.

Ronnie: So you did good work, princess.
Alexis: Thank you.
Ronnie: Yeah. Perfect attendance, nothing but glowing reviews. And you must have done a some number on Mutt.
Alexis: What do you mean?
Ronnie: His hours were up a month ago, he kept coming anyway.
Alexis: What?
Ronnie: Yeah, maybe he just got bored. Or maybe he just likes pretty girls in hippy hats. Know what I mean, string bean?

Ronnie: When it comes to making decisions, Roland likes to go with his gut. And boy, does he have a lot of gut to go with. [laughter]
Roland: Oh. Yes, I do.
Ronnie: And look at Bob, pretending to get it. And we all know Gwen, he hasn't gotten it in years! [laughter]
Roland: Oh, that-Ronnie is just crushing it! I mean, you know, everybody really has so far.
Ronnie: Okay, okay, that's all I got for now. So I'm just gonna hand it over to the one who wears the pants in the Rose family. But Moira is not here right now. [laughter] So I'm gonna pass it over to Johnny.

Johnny: Well, I can see you've got a million things on your plate, so I'll get to the point, it's about the town sign.
Ray: I told you he wouldn't let this go! [Ray and Bob chuckle]
Bob: The sign tells people what to expect when they're in town. Do you have a problem with that message?
Johnny: A major problem, Bob. Yeah, you see, it's the first thing you see when you drive in, and as the owner of the town, I'd like to convey a better, cleaner image.
Bob: There's a lot of history in that sign, Johnny. Schitt history.
Ronnie: That's all we need, some outsider coming in here and changing everything. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Ronnie: All right, you gotta treat it like it's a newborn baby. Have to admit, not into babies so it's kind of a guessing game for me. Oh, you got soft hands.
David: Okay, thank you. Thanks.

Ronnie: Roland, why do you need the safe?
Roland: I've just been to the baby doctor, and I have some top secret information about whether it's a boy or a girl. Joce and I wanna keep it a surprise.
Ronnie: Your wife's pregnant in her 40's. How many surprises do you need?