David: Um, Jake, this is my mother.
Jake: Listen, I'm really sorry, I didn't think anybody would be home.
David: Okay, nobody was supposed to be home. Nobody was supposed to be home, so... You were supposed to be at lunch, why- Why are- Why were you not at lunch?!
Moira: David, stop acting like a disgruntled pelican!

Moira: After a glut of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation. Can we feel that? It's almost as though we're building towards some sort of inevitable climax.

Roland: No, I need to clean a toilet!
Johnny: You need to clean a toilet?
Roland: [sighs] Yeah, I need to Johnny, I- I mean, with the new baby coming, things are a little tight. Joce and I have been trying to save, but we've been living off cold cuts and waffles. And Jocelyn had to sell her Beanie Baby collection. She didn't get half what that Diana Bear was worth. And now she's working nights down at the gas station.
Johnny: She's working nights?
Roland: No, she's not, but she will have to if things get really bad.

Moira: You know, I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the "Everybody Nose" benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.

Alexis: Those kids are one hundred percent stealing from you.
David: I don't think so.
Alexis: Okay. They split up into four different directions, one takes the back left corner, one takes the right, one of them asks you if you have those wool hoodies in a different size, while the last one compliments you on your cuticle game. And while you're lapping all that up, the two in the back corner are filling their backpacks full of facial cleanser. It's the exact same move that I used with my klepto friends in the Hamptons.