Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!

David: So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh!

Johnny: Well, things seem to be going downhill fast. Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor. [laughter]
Roland: Okay, I'll give him that.
Johnny: Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie. The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants! [laughter]
Ronnie: Where? Where? [laughter]
Roland: All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.
Johnny: Cargo, I said car-go, which is what a car is supposed to do unless you take it to Bob's Garage! [laughter]

Johnny: Ah! Top ten things you don't want Roland to be in charge of-
Ronnie: Ten too many, Johnny. You gotta be short and quick, like Roland in the bedroom.
Bob: [laughs] Now, that, that one kills every year.
Johnny: Oh, no, I love that one. Is that one up for grabs?
Ronnie No. You've gotta go for the jugular, Just stay away from spouses, kids, and health, and you'll be fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get back to work, which, up until now, was the most boring part of my day.

Ted: Yeah, see, this is why I didn't wanna push it on you this morning, okay? Because you mean way more to me than some dumb once-in-a-lifetime job opportunity.
Alexis: Ted, I don't know what to say. I'd totally think about it, but like, my laptop's here...
Ted: Okay, honestly, just don't worry about it.
Alexis: Well, what about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting "Pearl Harbour".