Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!

David: So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh!

Johnny: Tell me this, sweetheart, have I asked you for a lot this year?
Moira: It depends, are we talking emotionally?
Johnny: [sighs] You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy's Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria's. How 'bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?
Moira: I heard Peter Fundraiser. Bogdanovich loved a mink.

Patrick: Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?
David: Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I'd burned that bridge in Ibiza.
Patrick: Okay, but we have plenty of decorations here, so.
David: Yeah, that are for sale. We're not just giving away our inventory.
Stevie: Wow. So, what time is the Ghost of Christmas Past coming to visit you tonight?

[dream sequence:]
Johnny: Ah. I thought we could open presents tonight.
Moira: Oh, don't worry, I already gave them their checks.
Johnny: Quite something, isn't it?
Moira: Hmm.
Johnny: All this?
Moira: Yeah.
Johnny: Moira, come stand here with me for a minute.
Moira: John, you know I would, but I've already taken my Christmas pills, and bitter experience has taught me I have just 8 minutes to make it safely up the stairs.