Johnny: No, Don, here's the joke. The joke is I'm sitting here in a half decent restaurant with my wife and our friends. And all you two have done is complain about the food, and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.
Moira: Oh, we're past all that now.
Johnny: I'm not quite past it, Moira. You wrote us off, Don. Not a phone call, not an email, not a nickel. Roland and Jocelyn here, could not have been more generous with what little they have. They found us a place to live, they've offered us their truck whenever we've needed it. They've invited us to their parties, they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.
Roland: Well, just to be clear, Johnny, we were always gonna split the bill, it's just with the coupon...
Jocelyn: Rollie, Rollie.
Johnny: And that town you passed through, it's not called Schittsville. It's called Schitt's Creek. And it's where we live.

David: Um, speaking of sexual popularity, I'm pretty sure that, um, that guy at the bar, is into me.
Stevie: Who, Jake?
David: Yeah. Jake. Why, was he one of your high school conquests?
Stevie: Actually, no. But I have a pretty stellar radar for being able to tell when guys are into me.
David: Mmm-hmm. Um, and having swam in both ponds, I can say that I might be able to navigate those waters a little bit better than you.
Stevie: Uh huh? Well, we'll see.

Stevie: Wow, well, according to the Internet, you were "Mister Popular."
David: I will have you know that that head-shot got me a two-episode arc on a TV series.
Stevie: What series?
David: "Dateline." I played a boy who got abducted from a grocery store.
Stevie: Wow.
David: Yeah. And the performance was so riveting, people thought I actually was the "Valu-Mart victim."
Stevie: Hmm, bet that got you laid.
David: It did. It really did.