Alexis: Oh, my God, ever since David left, you two have been so dramatic. Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen's yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!
Moira: I had just had my eyelashes dyed, everything was cloudy!

David: So are you nervous? This is like the first job you've ever had.
Alexis: No it isn't.
David: Putting your name on a line of edible nail polish isn't what I would call having a job.
Alexis: I was very hands on, David. I came up with all the flavours by myself.
David: Even the one that poisoned all those people?
Alexis: David, the factory in Guangzhou assured us that it was lead-free. Ugh!

Alexis: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn. Um, okay. My eyes are brown, I am basically sample-sized, and one time I escaped from a Thai drug lord's car trunk by bribing him with sex.
Johnny: Right idea, honey, but you know what? It's gotta be more challenging for everybody-
Moira: Her eyes are aqua.
Johnny: You did what?
Alexis: I'm kidding! I clearly would never bribe anybody with sex.
Johnny: When were you in Thailand?!
Alexis: I told you that I was on spring break. Everyone can just calm down because Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.

Twyla: Hey. Have we decided?
Moira: Just coffee, please.
Johnny: Uh, Twyla, do you get along with your parents?
Twyla: I did. It's a little different now. My mom has this thing where half the time she thinks I'm her cousin Angela. And it's getting harder and harder to coordinate visitation times with my dad in prison.
Johnny: I'm sorry I asked.
Twyla: Oh, that's okay! I'll get you your coffees.

Ronnie: Here's your garbage stick. You use it to pick up garbage. And here-
Alexis: Oh no, I'm fine. Thank you, that's very sweet.
Ronnie: This isn't "Say Yes to the Dress", princess. Orange is the new orange.