Alexis: Hold on, hold on! Those bags are not for you, my boyfriend bought those for me, so, theoretically, they are his!

Agent: Please sir, can you step aside?
David: No, you step aside! You step aside! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around what kind of a sick person wants to get paid to destroy another person's life! Destroy another person's life! Where are you taking that?!

Johnny: We've got 15 minutes to collect our personals, can we pick up the pace?!
Moira: No, no! Did you put Kristen with Robin? They don't like each other! Nooooo! Nooooo!

Lawyer: To Johnny's credit, this town just might be your saving grace, at least for a while.
Moira: What do you mean?
Lawyer: You can live there for next to nothing, until you get back on your feet.
Moira: I'm sure there's a penthouse we can move into, please, there are other options.
Lawyer: Well, homelessness is still on the table.

Roland: Johnny Rose! Roland Schitt.
Johnny: Oh, you're the mayor we're supposed to meet.
Roland: That's right, I'm the mayor, so if you're looking for an ass to kiss, it's mine! [chuckles]

Johnny: What about suites? Do you have a couple of suites?
Roland: This guy!
Stevie: Um... No, this is a motel, so we cater more to off road truckers and drunk teenagers.

Roland: Oh, my God, this takes me back to high school. You know, I did the deed in just about every room in this place. Yep, if a forensic team came in here with one of those blue lights, this place would just light up!

David: I need that bed.
Alexis: Why?
David: Because I need it.
Alexis: Why?
David: Because if someone were to break in here in the middle of the night wanting to murder us, they would attack this bed first, so I need this bed.
Alexis: So you're saying that you want me to get murdered first?! In front of you? And then what would you do? Would you just run away and leave me to bleed out on the floor?!
David: Uh, sort of, that was the plan, yeah.

Moira: The town is disgusting. It is gruesome.
Alexis: It is charming, it is quaint, it's like out of a storybook.
Johnny: Alexis, what the hell is the matter with you?!
Alexis: Okay Stavros is flying in to get me, and I am going to go live with him for a little bit.
Moira: Well, that is not happening. And I am appalled that my baby girl has turned into a selfish, duplicitous whore! [to Twyla] Oh, hello!

David: I think it's unforgivable!
Alexis: I think that you're just super jealous, 'cause I'm getting out of here! Also, you have a big thing of dandruff on your eyebrow.
David: Don't do that!