‘New Car’
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired January 24, 2017
Johnny and Moira try to look like they don't have any money when they visit a car dealership to buy a new set of wheels. Meanwhile, David helps Stevie deal with the death of her aunt, and Alexis wonders why Ted is being cagey about a black-eye.
Quote from Moira
Johnny: All right, let's forget the print-outs. All right? I just think we could use a car. Everyone has a car! Roland has a car, Bob has three cars. Stevie has a car. I want a car!
Moira: Does this site have boats?
Quote from David
Johnny: Well, I'm not just gonna be wearing a suit today, David. I've got a ball cap I can put on.
David: Oh!
Moira: David's right. But you know what? I could build an appropriate look to mimic the trappings of a workaday woman.
Johnny: And if you'll notice, David, no cufflinks.
David: Wow! I am blinded by the disenfranchisement. I wouldn't be surprised if they just gave you the car.
Quote from Ted
Alexis: Oh, my God, what happened? Did you get in a bar fight?
Ted: Uh, you know, I'd actually prefer not to talk about it.
Alexis: Okay.
Ted: Just for the sake of maintaining some professional boundaries.
Alexis: Yeah, okay, totally. You owe someone money?
Ted: Alexis, I pay off my credit card bills two weeks in advance, what do you think?
Quote from David
David: So the low energy bulbs you installed in the bathroom, I'm finding the light to be very harsh, and, um... Did someone die, or are we going through like, a mid-life Goth phase?
Stevie: Someone died.
David: Okay, I'm just finding the bulbs to make my skin look very jaundice-y.
Stevie: My great aunt died.
David: Okay, I can't tell if we're still joking or not?
Stevie: I'm not.
David: Okay, and now I can't tell whether you're playing into the joke, or whether, um... You're telling the truth?
Stevie: She was 78.
David: So you're not joking. Okay.
Quote from David
Stevie: Anyways, it turns out I'm one of the few who did, because all of the arrangements have fallen to me!
David: Oh. Um, well if you need hel... [clears throat]
Stevie: I'd like you to finish that sentence.
David: Oh! Um, I am happy to help you in this time of need.
Stevie: Thank you, as much as I appreciate your reluctant offer, I don't think you could handle it. This whole thing is super depressing.
David: Okay, I think will be fine. So I am happy to help. That is what um, friends say to each other, right?
Stevie: Yes, it is.
David: Okay. Um, so I'm just gonna change into my funeral blacks. And um, and meet you back here, then.
Quote from Roland
Jocelyn: Hi, Johnny.
Johnny: Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Would you like to join us for a game of cribbage? We play every day at lunch.
Roland: That's right, and Fridays, it's strip crib.
Johnny: Well, thank God it's not Friday.
Roland: Well, we can pretend.
Quote from Roland
Roland: Oh... Oh, okay. Here's what I'm hearing you say, what you're saying is you wanna dress like me, because I look like I don't have any money!
Johnny: I think I misspoke.
Roland: Well, that's what I heard out of both ears, one of them works pretty well.
Johnny: I mean, anything that looks, um, hip. I need something hip. Hipper than these suits.
Roland: Hip!
Johnny: Oh jeez, yeah!
Roland: Now you're speaking my language! [laughs] Hip we can do! What do you want, uh, PVC, or a Hawaiian shirt?
Quote from Moira
Johnny: What?
Moira: Well, if I squint, I feel like I'm seeing your rough and rugged country cousin.
Johnny: Oh, and you feel confident you've hit the target with this?!
Moira: I apprenticed costume design under Stan LaCoulier. I'm sure he'd agree this toggery is the perfect tribute to the common woman.
Quote from Alexis
Ted: I was making a house call to Lisa's farm, and got head-butted by her goat.
Alexis: Is that when one of you is on the floor, and then the other one kind of just like hops..?
Ted: No! Uh, I was head-butted by an actual goat. And as a vet, that's not something that I want getting out, so please don't be thinking that this is something that it isn't.
Quote from David
Stevie: This is gonna be me.
David: Well, theoretically, it's gonna be all of us. Um, although I'm hoping that when I pass, there'll be a little more fanfare.