‘Meet the Parents’
Season 5, Episode 11 - Aired March 19, 2019
David throws Patrick a surprise birthday party and invites his parents. Meanwhile, Alexis cajoles Moira into attending a soap opera fan convention.
Quote from Moira
Alexis: Yeah David, this is all feeling very sketchy and last minute-y.
David: I've actually been organizing this for quite some time, I'm just telling you right now because I know that none of you can keep a secret.
Moira: Oh! At 9 a.m. it's a little early for character assassination. Not one of you knows how the "Crows" movie ends.
Alexis: You told me the day you got home.
Johnny: You gave me the script.
Moira: And you were both sworn to secrecy, so David is right not to trust you.
Quote from Moira
David: Yeah, this is why I'm reluctant to tell you that there is an extra surprise tonight. I invited Patrick's parents.
Alexis: Oh, my God, David!
Johnny: Oh, that is very exciting news, son! Meeting the parents! That's a big step.
Moira: Yes, things are certainly racing along at a dangerously rapid velocity.
David: Thank you so much. We're doing great.
Quote from David
David: Now, I will only be throwing one surprise party, and one surprise party only. So tonight there will be a surprise. And there will be tears. Even if they're just my own. Okay?
Quote from Moira
Alexis: How did it end again? Like, a crowmageddon?
Moira: Crowpocalypse. But you didn't hear it from me.
Quote from Roland
Clint: I'm Clint. This is my wife, Marcy.
Roland: What a special moment this is for all of us, huh?
Marcy: You must be David's Dad.
Roland: Oh, no, no! I do get that all the time, though. It's, uh, you know, you've got David's handsome looks there, and then my face.
Quote from Moira
Alexis: You're looking especially fresh and photogenic today, Mother.
Moira: Why thank you, Alexis. Perhaps it's my excellent news. I found a very promising revenue stream to help finance the little deficit we've accrued on Cabaret.
Alexis: What might that be?
Moira: Well, according to the radio, there's a darling little medical clinic in Elm Grove. Where if any one of us, say, you, or your father, participates in a few nugatory tests, we could be bringing in over $200 a week!
Quote from David
David: Okay, so I told Patrick that there's a salmonella outbreak at the cafe, so he will not be coming here until I tell him to tonight.
Twyla: Oh. Is it possible you could maybe choose a lie that doesn't make the cafe look like it's in violation of health codes?
David: I think it's a pretty good one.
Quote from Alexis
Kelly: A few things to expect. Now, the fans will either want a signed picture, a picture and a handshake, or a picture either of you, or with you.
Alexis: Well, that's reasonable.
Kelly: Now, if they ask for pictures of your feet-
Moira: Kelly, you have been more than helpful. If I might have a moment alone with my daughter?
Alexis: Slash publicist, thank you.
Quote from Moira
Moira: Oh God, no! We have to get out of here, Alexis!
Alexis: What's going on?
Moira: That's Gloria Gregson.
Alexis: Who's Gloria Gregson?
Moira: Who's Gloria Gregson?! She only played Grace on "Touched With Grace" for 37 years. The woman has 17 Emmys for playing a hot-headed nurse who healed people with her sexual touch. I can't have her see me in a place like this!
Quote from Alexis
Moira: No, no, it is the Gloria Gregson?
Gloria Gregson: Oh, darling! Well, look at you, you look gorgeous! I'm so glad you're here, darling. I'm usually the only marquee name at these things.
Moira: I'm shocked by my presence as well.
Alexis: And I am Alexis Rose, Moira's publicist and daughter.
Gloria Gregson: Oh! Daughter? More like sister. [Moira laughs]
Alexis: Ew.