Moira: I've been hijacked.
Johnny: What?
Moira: My campaign has been hijacked. Oh, I need some tea. Twyla?
Johnny: What's going on?
Twyla: Tea?
Moira: No, thank you.

Wendy: Fortunately, I did gotten some good news. Apparently, there is a Blouse Barn in Australia and they are gonna pay me to use their name here. Can you believe it?
David: That there's another store called Blouse Barn? No.
Wendy: No, it's an entire chain. They're expanding into North America and they are gonna pay me $10,000 just to cover the costs of renaming the store.
David: Okay, so they're buying the name from you?
Wendy: Well, it's more of a gesture actually. Apparently, I have been using the name without their permission.
David: Okay, so this company is giving you $10,000 as a gesture?
Wendy: And to think I almost called this place "Blouse House."
David: Something seems really sketchy about this and I'm not just saying that because I have a hard time with Australians. Lotta drunks.

Moira: Oh, it's just so violating. How can one sleep knowing our streets are laden with thieves?
Ronnie: Well, I don't know about laden. I had a newspaper stolen once.
Woman: Two days ago, we had someone break our window. They didn't take anything, but they left a dead bird inside.
Twyla: That's kind of like my aunt. She has a ghost in her house that keeps leaving dimes everywhere.

Alexis: [loud thump] Did you or did you not have a subscription to Cosmo Girl when you were 16 years old, David?
David: No.
Alexis: Okay, David, if you have to lie about something you should breathe out while you answer 'cause it really just calms you down.
David: Oh, my God! I'm not being interrogated. This is a negotiation.
Alexis: I'm just trying to prepare you, okay? 'Cause they're gonna eat you alive in there.

David: Okay. If you know so much about this, why don't you come with me then?
Alexis: Okay, well, I guess that just depends on what's in Mom's closet.
David: Why does that matter?
Alexis: Well, I'm not gonna wear my own clothes into the room, David. They're not scary enough.

Johnny: Oh, hi Stevie.
Stevie: I found these. I thought Mrs. Rose might want 'em back.
Johnny: You found them? Okay, look, I know we haven't always been ideal motel guests, but taking my wife's signs?
Stevie: Uh, no, I took out your garbage, and these poked a hole in the bottom and fell out. So they're still in pretty good shape, I thought she might want them back.
Johnny: Oh...
Stevie: Since she's been so worried about her signs having been mysteriously stolen.
Johnny: Right, right. Well, I mean, I can see what must have happened here. She accidentally, uh, threw them out.
Stevie: That's one theory.
Johnny: Or someone stole them and hid them in our garbage to try and sabotage Moira to make it look like she's done something really crazy.
Stevie: That is definitely some food for thought.

Johnny: Moira, Sunrise Bay was a soap opera.
Moira: Yes, and this is reality. Frankly, John, I'm surprised at your naivety.
Johnny: Moira, you're misleading people!
Moira: No, I'm building a mystery. Voters will draw their own conclusions.
Johnny: I basically accused Roland of stealing your campaign signs.
Moira: Well, then hopefully you've learned something you shouldn't make accusations you can't substantiate.
Johnny: Moira!
Moira: I'm not listening until you calm down.

Lisa Chung: So if you'll just sign here, I think we're good.
David: I don't think we are. I have done some research and I happen to know that your company pulled in $100 million last year.
Lisa Chung: Point being?
David: Well, the point is, judging by your bag and those shoes, Blouse Barn Australia is paying you quite a bit of money to come here and help us "switch over our signs." Bottom line, we're standing in your way and I don't think your client will be very happy if you come home without securing the rights to the name, especially considering you're expanding into 78 stores across North America. And let's be honest, "Blouse House" doesn't have quite the same ring to it.
Alexis: Exactly.
David: Angelica, please. This is the number that we are after.
Alexis: Now, if you'll excuse us, we have another meeting to get to.
Wendy: We're in our store.
David: We await your reply.

Jocelyn: I am upset. I don't like what this campaign is doing to me. The other day, I called another driver an effing moron. I didn't say the 'f' word, but I said, 'effing, ' and that is not me!

Moira: Jocelyn, I don't think it's exactly unethical to do questionable things in the spirit of competition.
Jocelyn: I'm dropping out of the campaign.
Moira: What?
Jocelyn: I'm barely sleeping, I can't get through an episode of "Masterchef Junior" without crying.
Moira: We've both worked so hard for this.
Jocelyn: I know, and now I am giving it to you. Congratulations, Moira. You are the new councilor for the town of Schitt's Creek.