Johnny: Well, word to the wise, son, don't spend all your money at once.
David: I thought you weren't getting involved.
Johnny: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying, word to the wise, is all.
David: Okay, what does "word to the wise" even mean?
Johnny: Word to the wise. When you're speaking to somebody wise, you lis- You're cognizant of what they're saying. A wise person telling you... Anyway, just... Just, uh, keep that in mind, and, um, keep up the good work.

Johnny: Hey, look at us, son, a couple of working stiffs back from the salt mines.
David: What?
Johnny: Two men, back from the mines.
David: What mines? What's that mean?
Johnny: It's a figure of speech.
David: Um, I don't get that.
Johnny: The salt mines! Back from when people mined.
David: Uh huh.
Johnny: When miners worked in the, salt industry, they'd come home, after digging salt. I don't know what it means!

David: I don't even see a rose in the garden.
Moira: Because there aren't any roses.
Alexis: Or are we the Roses?
Johnny: Okay, I'm getting roses for the garden. I'm- I'm getting roses.
David: Oh, okay. And what are these numbers for?
Alexis: That's mom's birthday, David.
Moira: Those are the last four digits of your father's credit card.
Johnny: It was a complicated order form, all right? There were a lot of fields to fill in.
David: Um, I hope you got a really good deal on this.
Moira: It's by the letter, so he paid extra for those apostrophe "s's."

Johnny: Moira, you're having a drink, you glance down at your coaster, it says, "tweet us on Facebook!" Or uh, "leave us a review!" And you say, yeah, yeah, okay, I think I will.
David: Is that what it says?
Johnny: Yes, David, that's what it says, you're not the only one with an online presence.
David: No, no.
Moira: Well, aren't you Mr. Futuristic!

Lawyer: You bought a small town in 1991, Johnny.
Johnny: Yes, I bought that as a joke for my son.
David: Wait, you actually purchased that town?
Johnny: Yes, I purchased the town. How else could I get the deed?
Alexis: You could've photoshopped the deed.
David: And saved the money.
Johnny: Why would I Photoshop a deed? The joke was owning the town.
David: Okay, stop.
Johnny: That was the joke!

David: There's no address on this.
Johnny: Oh, wow. Aren't we stuck in the Dark Ages. Huh? Let me break it down for you, junior. If they're at the motel using the coasters, they don't need to know where the motel is.
David: Um, I was referring to a web address. Or a Twitter handle.
Johnny: Oh.
Moira: Hmm, that might be something you'd wanna put on there.
David: Or a Facebook page.
Johnny: All right, let me write this down.
David: Or a hashtag.
Johnny: A hashtag? Is that two words?
David: No, it's not.

Johnny: Well, things seem to be going downhill fast. Which is what the town must've been thinking when Roland elected himself Mayor. [laughter]
Roland: Okay, I'll give him that.
Johnny: Oh, got a smile out of Ronnie. The last time anyone saw her this happy was at a 3-for-1 sale on cargo pants! [laughter]
Ronnie: Where? Where? [laughter]
Roland: All right, Johnny, starting to make some moves, now.
Johnny: Cargo, I said car-go, which is what a car is supposed to do unless you take it to Bob's Garage! [laughter]

Johnny: Well, you're here now, Moira, and so am I. And, with your career behind you, we'll be able to... take advantage of more days like this. Does this not remind you of that wellness retreat we went to in Evian, right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?
Moira: Yes. You and I wandered down to the lake, ne'ery a person to be found. Bid adieu to our clothing and let the cool sting of the mineral water remind us that we were, in fact, alive and well.
Johnny: I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Johnny: Then you plan it.
David: What? No!
Alexis: Oh, snap, David!
Johnny: Talk to the hand, son, because the ears are no longer working.
David: Oh, my God.
Alexis: 'kay, that's not at all how that works, so...
Johnny: Cancel your trip, Alexis, because the travel agent is out of the office.

Roland: Oh my go- That is so demented!
Johnny: You can't tell me you don't see that.
Roland: Well, you know, now that you put that creepy thought in my head, sure, I- I see it, but you got it all wrong, pal. Let me enlighten you, Mr. Johnny Rose! That isn't even Horace's wife! That's his sister.
Johnny: Well, how does that make it any better?
Roland: Ohhh! Well, I don't know how they do things where you come from, but around these parts, we don't do that sort of thing with our sisters!
Johnny: Roland, how is anybody driving past this sign supposed to know the woman getting banged from behind is that man's sister?!
Roland: Oh my.