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37Quotes from ‘Family Dinner’

Schitt's Creek: Family Dinner

202. Family Dinner

Aired January 12, 2016

Moira and David attempt to cook dinner for the family. Meanwhile, Johnny looks for a place to work, and Alexis tries to clear things up with Ted.

Quote from Bob

Bob: I got a great spot for a chair right there. Uh, you just have to move these tires. Um, filing those papers'll give you some extra space.
Johnny: Yeah, Bob, I'm not working for you, I'm not filing papers.
Bob: No, I'm just saying, if you need to get a chair in here, you know, you might have to move some things. Maybe, you know, sell some old car parts.
Johnny: Yeah, I didn't come here looking for a job. Okay? I wanted a space to work, and frankly I don't think this is it.
Bob: Okay, well uh, I'm not saying you have to make a decision right now. Just maybe clean it up, and give it a think.
Johnny: How about I give it a think without cleaning it up!
Bob: Suit yourself. As long as it gets cleaned up at some point.

Quote from Bob

Bob: All right, Johnny, uh, I guess just let me know when you've finished cleaning up, and, uh, I'll find something else for you to do.
Johnny: Bob, I don't work for you, I'm just setting up an office.
Bob: No, I know, it's your space. And, uh, just so you know, garage opens at eight, but if you're here a few minutes before that, even better.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You know, when I was a young girl, my sister and I baked bread from scratch, in a kitchen half this size.
David: Do I wanna hear this story?
Moira: I could make a bed, I could fix a wobbly table, or start a car without a key. Then I met your father, and suddenly I had people to do everything for me. And I assumed that I would maintain my proficiencies, should I ever, God forbid, need them. But no, I have lost all my skills. And now I know how it feels to be utterly helpless, like you, and your sister.
David: I don't know if I'd call us "helpless."
Moira: No need to make me feel better.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Someone keeps eating my yoghurt. Urgh!
David: What kind of yoghurt?
Alexis: I was saving that for after my run, David!
David: Oh, my God, I guess I was saving it for during your run, then.
Alexis: Argh, you're like a big, dirty raccoon, David!

Quote from Ted

Alexis: Um, I was hoping we could talk again.
Ted: Oh, well, I was about to give Hazel a blood test.
Alexis: Well, I think it's probably better if you put Hazel down.
Ted: What?! No, she'll be fine! It's just her blood sugar!
Alexis: No, no, no, no, no! I just mean while we talk, I think it would be... Um, easier.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Oh, Alexis, you're almost forty, if you want some food, prepare yourself some food.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Next step is to fold in the cheese.
David: What does that mean? What does "fold in the cheese" mean?
Moira: You fold it in.
David: I understand that, but how? How do you fold it? Do you fold it in half, like a piece of paper, and drop it in the pot, or, what do you do?
Moira: David, I cannot show you everything.
David: Okay, well, can you show me one thing?!
Moira: You just... Here's what you do: You just fold it in.
David: Okay, I don't know how to fold broken cheese like that!
Moira: Then I don't know how to be any clearer! You take that thing that's in your hand, and you-
David: If you say "fold in" one more time-
Moira: It says, fold it in!

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Hi, Bob, what's, uh, going on?
Bob: Johnny, what are you doing here?
Johnny: Well, I just came by to talk to you about the office space.
Bob: It's funny to hear that, because before you were saying this isn't office space. And, uh, well, I got to thinking, well, if it's not office space, then, what the heck is it?! And then I remembered Gwen's nephew, Eric, here, was looking for studio space. Uh, he draws Chinese cartoons.
Eric: They're Japanese graphic novels. It's called Manga.
Johnny: Oh, well, that sounds like a lucrative career choice.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: So anyway, Bob, I've decided to take this space for my office, so.
Bob: Ooh, now this is a bit awkward, because you gave me the distinct impression that you didn't want it. And now we, uh, have Eric here.
Johnny: Yeah, well, Eric can find a you know, a back room, or a dark basement to doodle in.
Eric: Well, that's okay, Uncle Bob. I don't have any money.
Bob: Neither does Johnny, and he's not even related to me.
Johnny: No, but you said Eric was Gwen's nephew, so technically he's not related to you, either. So no offence, Eric.
Eric: No, that's fair.

Quote from Moira

David: I found something.
Moira: David, that's your cell phone.
David: Um, you might wanna press play on my cell phone. Just press.
Cooking Host: [on video] "Folding" is one of the easiest techniques in the book. It's just a very gentle way of combining two ingredients. See what I'm doing?
Moira: Well, that's simple enough, any fool could do that.
David: Did you do that?
Moira: No.

Quote from Johnny

Bob: So, uh, what do you think, Johnny?
Johnny: What do I think? I think it's a nice garage. Where's the office?
Bob: You're looking at it.
Johnny: Bob, you told me you had a sweet little office space, okay, and frankly, working out of a garage is not what I had in mind.
Bob: Well uh, out of curiosity, what did you have in mind?
Johnny: An office! You know, a chair, for starters!

Quote from Alexis

Mutt: You didn't break up with Ted, did you?
Alexis: Um, well, like I said, I started to, and then, I don't know if it was the timbre of his voice, or the fact that he smelled like baby powder, but I just, I physically couldn't do it.

Quote from Stevie

David: It's just a really fast turnaround. You know, usually it doesn't happen that quickly.
Stevie: What if it does?
David: Well, it's just when someone keeps telling you that they're over it, sometimes it means that they're not actually over it, which is fine!
Stevie: But it's fine too if they are over it.
David: Yeah, I just wanna make sure that you're taking the time to actually get over it, you know, because if you don't, I think it could lead to just...
Stevie: You know, it's interesting, the longer we have this conversation, the more over it I get.
David: Oh!
Stevie: In fact, I'm having a hard time remembering when I wasn't over it.
David: Wow, well aren't you just a- a pillar of strength, and self-healing.
Stevie: Yeah, I'm pretty amazing.

Quote from Moira

David: How did it go?
Moira: You smell the room, what do you think?
David: I-I don't know.
Moira: Well, of course you don't, because I have not taught you life's basic skills.
David: Other than cooking, what basic life skills don't I have?
Moira: Oh, David, I'm not sure we have time for that.

Quote from David

Johnny: Well, this looks delicious. I see someone decided on a new dish.
David: Nope, these are the enchiladas.
Alexis: Yeah, well, they kinda smell like enchiladas, so...
Moira: We had lots of fun making them.
David: Mm. Let's not ruin a meal by talking about the process.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Hey, I for one, cannot wait to dig in. Hmm! Mmm! Not bad. Not bad, you two! Not bad at all!
Alexis: Mm it's creamy.
Johnny: Very creamy. Mm!
Moira: Thank you, Alexis.
Johnny: Well, this could be a very good thing. I think maybe once, or twice a week-
David: This won't be happening again.
Moira: Uh-uh. Although it's really not that complicated, once you fold in the cheese!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: There is no food. Nobody can cook, this is basically child abuse.
Johnny: David can cook.
David: I can't cook.
Johnny: You got that Teppanyaki table for your bar mitzvah.
David: That was thrown out after Alexis left her extensions on it, and everything smelled like burnt hair.
Alexis: I thought it was an actual table, David.
David: There was a plug coming out of the side of it!

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Oh, Moira, normally I'd be happy to, it's just we have a really hectic afternoon, so...
Moira: David and I are going to resurrect an old family recipe.
Jocelyn: Mmm. Of course I'd say yes, it's just that that darn stove is on the fritz.
Roland: Oh really, honey? Because this pie is scorching.
Jocelyn: It comes and goes, Roland.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: Oh, I'm sure it's far superior to what we have at the motel. David and I will manage.
Jocelyn: Oh, I know, it's- It's just that I called the repairman, and so he's coming this afternoon.
Roland: Who'd you call, honey? Bill?
Jocelyn: Yeah Bill.
Roland: Bill doesn't do stoves.
Jocelyn: Then, Gary.
Roland: Gary? Our dentist?
Jocelyn: I don't remember who I called but, they're coming, this afternoon.

Quote from Jocelyn

Moira: Oh. It's as if you don't trust David and me to fend for ourselves in your kitchen.
Roland: Oh no, we don't mind you using our kitchen, as long as you make extra for us, and leave a ten spot over there for the hydro.
Moira: That I can do! I'll be back in ten, to a clean kitchen!
Roland: A clean kitchen.
Jocelyn: I just cleaned the kitchen.

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: How's the brisket, Mr. Rose?
Johnny: Well, it's tasting more like meat.
Twyla: Oh, well that's good.
Johnny: You know Twyla, I've been noticing how quiet it is in here during the day.
Twyla: Oh, yeah. It's always quiet before the lunch rush. Which isn't so much a rush as much as it is just a handful of people showing up at a leisurely pace.

Quote from Twyla

Johnny: Well, the reason I point it out is that, um, you know, I've been looking for a place to work. Like a-an office space.
Twyla: Uh-huh. [balancing dirty dishes in her hands and on her arm]
Johnny: You see, I get a lot of ideas back at the motel that need serious contemplation, but with the family there, I just can't seem to get any work done.
Twyla: I hear that.
Johnny: So, I was wondering... And I thought about bringing this up the other day, but decided against it, for some reason. But here we are talking, so, what the hell. What are the chances of me operating out of one of these booths every day?
Twyla: I am just gonna put these plates down. I just think I'll think better, once the blood rushes from my arms, back to my head.
Johnny: Oh, oh. Yes, yes, yes. Uh, absolutely! Yeah, you can put them down, I didn't mean to keep you, there. I know you've got a lot of work to do. Totally.
Twyla: They're just heavy plates!

Quote from Bob

Bob: I hope you don't mind me uh, eavesdropping on your conversation, but uh, I think maybe I could help you.
Johnny: Really?
Bob: I heard you're looking for office space?
Johnny: Yes!
Bob: Well, I have a sweet little spot you might be interested in, if uh, if you wanna take a look.
Johnny: Yes, I would! Thank you.
Bob: Happy to help, I'm sure you'd do the same for me. If you had anything to offer.

Quote from David

David: Is this a safe space yet, for us? Or...
Stevie: Yeah, why wouldn't it be?
David: Oh, okay, it's just 'cause the last time I was in here, you told me to leave your office, so, I guess I was just having a hard time gauging where we're at, as two people who used to, um, be, well, um....
Stevie: How can I help you?

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: You don't have to keep tiptoeing around me. I'm over it.
David: Over it?
Stevie: Yeah, I don't like you anymore. I mean, like that.
David: Oh! Okay. Well, that's good then, I guess.
Stevie: I think so.
David: Are you wearing makeup?
Stevie: So what if I am?

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Okay, good, because I've been thinking a lot about things, too.
Alexis: Like your proposal.
Ted: Yeah, the more I thought about it, the more it just didn't feel right.
Alexis: Yes! I agree!
Ted: Yeah, it came out of the blue, and you had a lot on your mind.
Alexis: Yes, Ted, yes!
Ted: So I think it may be best for us just to take some time, you know?
Alexis: Oh, my God, it's like we're sharing a brain!
Ted: Then in a few weeks, when we're settled, and more focused on each other, we try the whole proposal thing again. Hmm?
Alexis: Mmm-hmm...
Ted: Unless you were gonna say something else?
Alexis: No! [awkward chuckle] 'cause you and me... You and I... No, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! It's-mmm! So uh, us, the "us" thing, and... Um... Whoa!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: It must happen to people, right? Like, there must be people out there who say yes to getting married because they can't say no, and then what happens? And then they're just stuck for the rest of their life, with the same wrong, sweet, person, right?
Mutt: Well, I'm pretty sure those people get divorced.
Alexis: Ah!
Mutt: Alexis, you need to be honest with him.
Alexis: Okay. What if I sent him the sweetest little text message? [off Mutt's look] Okay. Yeah. I'll do it in person. Obviously, I'm just I'm gonna do it in person. I will do this in person!

Quote from Stevie

David: Well, that was quick.
Stevie: It was a pretty short grocery list.
David: No, I mean, you being "over it."
Stevie: I knew what you meant.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, a quarter cup at a time. A thin stream, it's supposed to be a thin stream, and blend it really well.
David: Uh huh. Uh huh.
Moira: Or you'll burn it. David, that's not right!
David: Okay well, that's because I'm ladling and stirring at the same time, and you're just standing there.
Moira: Now is not the time to lose focus, darling.
David: This was your idea! You're the one who allegedly made the enchiladas.
Moira: Yes, so try to keep up.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Okay, next. Now's the time to sprinkle in the chili pepper flakes.
David: We've already done that.
Moira: What number are we on?!
David: Oh, my God, is this not your mother's recipe?
Moira: Yes, and now I'm passing it on to you! So try to keep up.

Quote from Moira

David: This is your recipe! You fold in the cheese, then!
Moira: Don't you dare!
David: You fold it in!
Moira: David! Oh good, now I see bubbles. David! What does burning smell like?!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Okay. So, I did something. I didn't do something, I should've done something. And I didn't.
Ted: What didn't you do?
Alexis: Um, I wasn't direct with people. People who deserve more directness. People like you.
Ted: Well, that was pretty direct.
Alexis: People like you deserve better than people like me. You're the perfect boyfriend, Ted.
Ted: Thank you.
Alexis: But-
Ted: I knew there was a "but."
Alexis: No, no, no! There is no "but." But you're just not the perfect boyfriend for me.

Quote from Alexis

Ted: Thank you.
Alexis: For what?
Ted: Well, I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't feel about me the same way that I feel about them.
Alexis: Oh, wow, could you make this any harder?
Ted: Well, I did book us a two week couples vacation that's non-refundable.
Alexis: Ooh, yeah, that makes- That makes it harder.

Quote from Ted

Ted: [crying while hugging Johnny] I'm sorry, it's just- She really made a mark on me, you know? And it's rare to find someone that beautiful, and smart, and deeply selfish, yet charming.
Johnny: Yeah, I know, I know.

Quote from Moira

Alexis: What was the chicken dish that Adelina used to make?
David: Mm. The enchiladas.
Johnny: Oh, Adelina, she was a good cook, remember?
Moira: Excuse me, but the enchiladas were my mother's recipe.
Alexis: I don't think so.
David: Um, that's not how I remember it.
Moira: I made it for you all the time! John?!
Johnny: Yes, well, if that's the way you remember things, sweetheart, that's...
Moira: Okay, enough, tonight I will make my mother's enchiladas. And David, you will help me.

Quote from David

Alexis: Oh my gosh David, it's gonna be so fun for you tonight, doing that with Mom.
David: Don't touch me!
Alexis: It's so nice!
David: Don't! That's harassment!

Quote from Moira

Moira: How are you today, Jocelyn?
Jocelyn: Oh, I'm okay, busy, I mean, we were about to head to, um-
Moira: How fun. Listen, a small favour I require the use of your kitchen.
Jocelyn: Sorry, for what?
Moira: To cook a meal, of course.


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