‘Carl's Funeral’
Season 1, Episode 9 - Aired March 3, 2015
Johnny doesn't know what to do when Bob asks him to speak at his brother's funeral. Meanwhile, Alexis stays at Ted's place while David and Stevie try to avoid the scraggy motel guests.
Quote from Stevie
David: Wait, so you're related to Carl?
Stevie: Not genetically. My mom's sister was married to Carl. Carl is Sean's step-dad.
David: And was that a factor in the cause of death?
Stevie: I wouldn't be surprised. They broke up just before Sean got Bree pregnant. Or someone got Bree pregnant. I mean, Bree's not exactly fussy when it comes to introducing men to her vagina.
David: Mm. Charming.
Quote from Ted
Alexis: Tell me it's not always this clean in here.
Ted: No, it's- It's always this clean.
Alexis: Oh, it smells so fresh.
Ted: Uh, that's the Febreeze. I was I was eating Indian last night, so...
Quote from Moira
Bob: Johnny.
Johnny: Hello, Bob.
Bob: Moira, so good of you to come.
Moira: John said we had no choice.
Quote from Stevie
David: Do you even know what that stain is or...?
Stevie: Uh, I'm worried if I did, I wouldn't clean it up.
David: Why are you cleaning it up?
Stevie: Sadly, um, I threw most of the broken glass you see here.
David: You were a bit of a mess last night.
Stevie: They told you?
David: Oh, no, no. We had a full-blown conversation. You were barely clinging to consciousness.
Stevie: Oh. Sorry. Did I try and make out with you?
David: Mm-mm.
Stevie: Good. But now I'm worried I made out with someone else. Uh, it's kind of my go-to when I'm a little boozy.
David: Mm. Mine's shame eating, so yours sounds more fun.
Quote from Ted
Ted: So, I'm sorry if, earlier, I wasn't sensitive to your animal issues. And if it's any consolation, the dogs told me to tell you that they're super embarrassed about their behaviour, too.
Alexis: Well, I am dating a vet. I should've known that there'd be slutty little animals running around.
Ted: And I only take in the slutty ones, so...
Quote from Ted
Ted: So, to get you more comfortable around animals-
Alexis: Not a puppy, Ted.
Ted: No, that would be cruel to the puppy. No, I got you this.
Alexis: "Opening your heart to animals: A guide to the benefits of caring for something other than yourself." It's a very specific book.
Ted: You might wanna check out page 37.
Alexis: Is it a credit card?
Ted: No. It's a room key. To the premium king suite at the Holiday Inn Express in Elmdale, and they have a very strict no pets allowed policy.
Alexis: Well, it just so happens that I have packed my overnight bag.
Quote from Moira
Johnny: So I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, God, what if die here?"
Moira: Mm. That was not lost on anyone. Uh, let's pilfer a few sandwiches and make a gracious French exit.
Johnny: Good idea.
Quote from Moira
Bob: Moira, before they close the coffin, one more chorus for Carl? Please?
Johnny: Take your time, honey. [eats cake]
Moira: Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ooh... Oh Danny.... Boy... The pipes, the pipes are... Call-all-all-ling
Quote from Johnny
Jocelyn: Carl thought so highly of you, Johnny.
Johnny: Oh really. Well, that's nice. No, I honestly don't know the man.
Roland: Well, understandably, Bob is, uh, pretty broken up by all of this and he asked me to ask you if you'd be willing to, um, be a pallbearer at Carl's funeral.
Johnny: A pallbearer? At Carl's funeral. Well, I don't, um I, you know, I- I'm flattered. It's- It's quite an honour to be-
Jocelyn: I knew he would say yes.
Johnny: Yeah. And- And normally I would I would. I-I-I, you know, but my back. I have, uh I- I- I have back issues.
Quote from Johnny
Jocelyn: I don't know what we're gonna tell Bob. He's gonna be so disappointed.
Johnny: Yeah, yeah. Well, life can kick you in the teeth sometimes.
Roland: Mm. Well, that's not gonna help Bob out too much there, Johnny.
Johnny: Mm. Yeah. Shouldn't bother Carl.