Schitt's Creek Quotes
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After the wealthy Rose family lose their fortune, they go to live in their one remaining asset, the small town of Schitt's Creek, which they bought as a joke two decades earlier.
Starring: Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Daniel Levy, Annie Murphy, Emily Hampshire, Chris Elliott, Jenn Robertson, Dustin Milligan, Sarah Levy, Noah Reid, John Hemphill, Karen Robinson.
Original Run: 2015-.
Quote of the Day
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
David: I'm just not sleeping. I think there's a lack of oxygen getting to my heart because I'm feeling very suffocated.
Ted: Okay, right. Well, if it is a heart attack we're way too far away from the nearest hospital for you to make it through the night.
Johnny: You took your signs? I didn't know you took the signs. Why would you take your own signs?
Moira: Well, I couldn't very well take Jocelyn's. That would be stealing and I'm running a clean campaign.
Johnny: You call this a clean campaign?
Moira: Politics 101, John. When you have limited resources, your best course of action is to create a stir. It's exciting. It's fun. It's like that episode of Sunrise Bay when I stole my own bébé.
Moira: After a glut of unasinous ideas put forth today, the room is suddenly bombilating with anticipation. Can we feel that? It's almost as though we're building towards some sort of inevitable climax.
Johnny: When might we expect your daughter to show up? Because we do have a very busy day ahead of us.
Hank: Well, Baby's still sleeping. But if you wanna go and wake her up, tell her what happened, by all means.
Moira: Where is bébé's chamber?
Hank: [floorboards creak] Oh, there she is now. She's either up, or takin' a leak.
Moira: Either way, great progress for bébé.
Moira: [in a Cockney accent] The truth is that, um, we've- We've struggled with penury for quite some time now. Well, just two years ago, we were practically 'omeless.
Car Salesman: Where are you two from?
Johnny: You know, I've been wondering that myself.
Moira: I'm from London. I was one of two identical twins. Tragically, I was snatched from my crib at birth by Russian mobsters. Mmm-hmm. They looked at my fair skin, and my dazzling eyes, and they said, "We'll make a pretty penny on that one, on the 'uman black market, we will."
Car Salesman: And what about the twin?
Moira: What's that, love?
Car Salesman: Well, if you're identical, I thought you'd both be valuable.
Johnny: Yes, wouldn't you?
Moira: She wasn't born yet. Yep, she wasn't born 'til three minutes later. And the Bratva work very quickly.
Moira: I am suddenly overwhelmed with regret. It's a new feeling for me, and I don't find it at all pleasurable.
Stevie: You regret that embarrassing photos of you aren't online?
Moira: No, I regret that they're lost. They were the one perfect memorial to who I once was. And I should've appreciated those firm round mammae, and Callipygian ass, while I had them.
Stevie: If you're talking about your body, uh I think you still look amazing.
Moira: Then allow me to offer you some advice. Take a thousand naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, "Oh, I'm too spooky." Or, "Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies." But believe me, one day you will look at those photos, with much kinder eyes and say, "Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!"
Stevie: Will I?
Moira: Mmm-hmm. Oh, and make sure you submit those photos to the Internet. Otherwise, your own children will go looking for them one day and tragically, they won't be there.
Patrick: So, can we talk tomorrow?
David: Hmm. We can talk whenever you'd like. Just preferably not before 10 a.m., Um, 'cause I'm not really a morning person.
Patrick: Mmm-hmm. Goodnight, David.
David: Goodnight, Patrick.
David: Okay. Yeah, you can leave your champagne flutes. Unless we still wanna do a toast? No. Oh, no? Okay. Everyone leave the champagne flutes, thank you. [Moira sobs]
Moira: No! Nooooo!
Stevie: Oh, my God.
Johnny: If it's a bad review, Moira, I wouldn't trust local critics.
Moira: No. No, they, uh... They shelved the "Crows" movie. [shuddering breaths] So it's- It's over. [whimpers] It's over. [crawls into the closet; sobs, whimpers]
Johnny: Nothing to see here, people. The party's over.
Ronnie: So wait a minute, he's marrying you?
David: Okay, this shouldn't be so hard!
Alexis: Oh, my God, just spit it out, David!
David: Oh, my God, fine! I met someone who changed my life, and I don't know where I'd be without him. So yes, as we all know now, Patrick and I are engaged.
David: Hi, everyone. Hi. I just, first and foremost, wanna say a big congratulations to Team Cabaret.
[all clap & cheer] The show was awesome, you guys were so, so good! Speaking of love...
Roland: Somebody got engaged!
David: Wow. Speaking of love, um, I'm so glad that you're all here, because Patrick and I have some very special news.
Jocelyn: You're getting married!
David: Jocelyn, I'm the one on the chair! Now, two years ago, I went to fill out some paperwork for a business license, and little did I know, that I would end up meeting the love of my- [cell phone rings]
Moira: God! Oh, it is me. Um, I'm sorry, David. Sorry, it's most likely press. I-I already know your engagement news.