Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes and that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it. Look, Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to start getting ready. I'm getting married today.
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.

Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just lice, Pam?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.

Alexis: David, I just- I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me.
David: Obviously.

Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin: Di- Did you say vampire?
Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [to camera] 'cause of the Euro.

Niles: Children, I have a confession to make. I'm not a Citizen-Officer. I'm a psychiatric doctor specializing in marriage and family counseling. [The kids start to boo] I know, I know. The point is... [getting louder] The point is that my father is an actual officer, and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold, probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly. Which brings up a different, yet no less important kind of safety, hygiene!
Martin: Oh, geez.
Niles: I would like to introduce you to the first defense in the war against germs, Officer Pocket Square! [The kids laugh] Okay, okay. Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore.
Kid: It's not!
Niles: Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example! It's millions! Or take simple dust. Do you know what dust is? It's the excretion of mites! Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!

Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

Dr. Kelso: Look, infection can start with a simple sneeze. And then a handshake. Perhaps an accidental collision. Then a simple touch on the shoulder.
[As Dr. Kelso speaks, the camera turns to a young boy who sneezes. As his mother wipes his nose, the tissue she throws away glows green, as does her hand. She then shakes hands with a doctor, turning his hand green. He bumps into a nurse who helps him pick up his file, turning her hand green. The nurse then strokes the arm of a patient, turning her arm green.]
Dr. Kelso: And just like that you have a patient in trouble.

Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Jim: Elaborate.
Dwight K. Schrute: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam: I'm not- I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.

Elderly Woman: What a sweet little angel. Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Jordan: Of course.
Dr. Cox: Back off there, lady. How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise? Go on, get out of here. [whistles] Hippity-hop to the barber shop. Come on, mom. Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease, and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.

Erica: We need to spread the word about Hands Across America.
Beverly: Yeah, I don't know about that whole thing. Hands have germs. Think about all those colds passing across the country like a big bacteria highway. Eugh.