A collection of quotes about isolation, quarantine and personal hygiene from shows including Friends, Schitt's Creek, Frasier, The Office, The Golden Girls, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Young Sheldon.
Quote from Rachel in Friends episode The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding (Part 2)
Rachel: The nights are the hardest. But then the day comes and that's every bit as hard as the night. And then the night comes again...
Monica: The days and nights are hard, I get it. Look, Rachel, I'm sorry. I have to start getting ready. I'm getting married today.
Rachel: I know. At dusk. That's such a hard time for me.
Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough.
Erin: Di- Did you say vampire?
Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow]
Dwight K. Schrute: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [to camera] 'cause of the Euro.
Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower?
Dwight K. Schrute: What? Lice? Oh my god. Lock the doors, we are on full quarantine.
Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly.
Dwight K. Schrute: Just lice, Pam?
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me freak and four eyes and sci-fi nerd and girl puncher. All because I had lice when I was 7.
Sheldon: Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted cocusses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiance is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm not taking you home!
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take.
Alexis: David, I just- I miss my life! And I miss doing things. And I miss being surrounded by loose acquaintances who think that I'm funny, and smart, and charming. Will you? Just a few people. Please. You can't tell me that you don't wanna hang out with people other than me.
Quote from Sheldon in Young Sheldon episode A Solar Calculator, a Game Ball, and a Cheerleader's Bosom
Sheldon: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Tam: You're not?
Sheldon: I was touched 82 times this afternoon.
Tam: What do you mean, "touched"?
Sheldon: Not inappropriately. Joyfully. Affectionately. A cheerleader hugged me to her bosom.
Tam: That's amazing. [goes to high five Sheldon]
Sheldon: No more high fives. I can't keep washing my hands.
Niles: Children, I have a confession to make. I'm not a Citizen-Officer. I'm a psychiatric doctor specializing in marriage and family counseling. [The kids start to boo] I know, I know. The point is... [getting louder] The point is that my father is an actual officer, and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold, probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly. Which brings up a different, yet no less important kind of safety, hygiene!
Martin: Oh, geez.
Niles: I would like to introduce you to the first defense in the war against germs, Officer Pocket Square! [The kids laugh] Okay, okay. Maybe it's not cool to carry a handkerchief around anymore.
Kid: It's not!
Niles: Is influenza cool? Is scarlet fever cool? Do you have any idea how many germs there are on just one finger? Yes, that finger, for example! It's millions! Or take simple dust. Do you know what dust is? It's the excretion of mites! Little bugs that are eating your skin right now!
Leonard: Sheldon, relax. She doesn't have any symptoms, I'm sure she's not contagious.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appear it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool-using and cave-painting, Homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?
Captain Holt: There's been an outbreak of the mumps.
Jake: Mumps, that's a funny word.
Captain Holt: It's actually a very serious and highly contagious infectious disease.
Jake: Yeah, but we're fine. We were only in contact with that guy for a couple of seconds. Plus, he didn't even lick any of our eyeballs.
Adult Sheldon: That was the first time I held my father's hand. I wouldn't touch my brother's hand until seventeen years later, thanks to the invention of Purell.
Dr. Kelso: Look, infection can start with a simple sneeze. And then a handshake. Perhaps an accidental collision. Then a simple touch on the shoulder.
[As Dr. Kelso speaks, the camera turns to a young boy who sneezes. As his mother wipes his nose, the tissue she throws away glows green, as does her hand. She then shakes hands with a doctor, turning his hand green. He bumps into a nurse who helps him pick up his file, turning her hand green. The nurse then strokes the arm of a patient, turning her arm green.]
Dr. Kelso: And just like that you have a patient in trouble.
Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office.
Dwight K. Schrute: No, no, no. They will cost you your life.
Dwight K. Schrute: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter...
Pam: I'm not- I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
Dwight K. Schrute: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger.
Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. I would welcome it.
Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome.
Captain Holt: Perfect timing as our quarantine has finally ended and our goiters are gone.
Jake: Yes, indeed. We're free to go outside and lick whoever's eyeballs we'd like.
Captain Holt: Inaccurate, no one is ever free to do that.
Jake: Yeah, you're right.
Elderly Woman: What a sweet little angel. Can I just give him a little squeeze?
Jordan: Of course.
Dr. Cox: Back off there, lady. How's about you save up all that energy for the cruise? Go on, get out of here. [whistles] Hippity-hop to the barber shop. Come on, mom. Jordan, this hospital is literally crawling with germs and disease, and in all fairness, you don't know if that lady is a sickie or if she was here visiting a sickie and she ran her sickie hands all over her sickie face.
Sheldon: I don't see what's crazy about bringing a backpack with your own toilet paper and Purell.
Leonard: Keep going.
Sheldon: And rubber gloves, and air freshener. Noise cancelling headphones. Oh, danger whistle. Umm, pepper spray. Ooh, a multi-language occupied sign. Let's see, we have seat protectors, booties for my shoes, a clothes pin for my nose. Oh, and, a mirror on a stick so I can make sure the person in the stall next to me isn't some kid of weirdo.
Erica: We need to spread the word about Hands Across America.
Beverly: Yeah, I don't know about that whole thing. Hands have germs. Think about all those colds passing across the country like a big bacteria highway. Eugh.
Lilith: Did you wash your hands, Frederick?
Frederick: Yeah. Uncle Niles even showed me how to open the door with my elbow so I don't need to touch the handle.
Niles: What are uncles for?
Moira: Oh, Alexis, has our quarantine been lifted?
Alexis: Yeah, I was scared I was gonna get bed sores, so I'm going for a run. Also, I needed to, like, cleanse my brain a bit. 'Cause eight hours of watching Sunrise Bay made me feel a little not-right in the head.
Moira: It had that effect. The New England Journal of Medicine did a fascinating study on it.
Frasier: Oh, Dad. This is a small thing but you left the sponge in the sink again.
Frasier: Well, as I mentioned last evening, if it stays wet, not only does it begin to smell but it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria.
Frasier: So, if I were to, say, wipe up that salsa that you spilled on the table just now, I would be leaving behind bacteria such as salmonella, listeria, flagella. Now wouldn't that bother you?
Martin: Yeah, I guess you're right. It would bother me. I wouldn't dream of touching that sponge now.
[Martin whistles. Eddie comes and licks the table clean.]
Frasier: Ah, yes. Our own foul-breathed, little handy-wipe.
Phyllis: What are you wearing?
Dwight K. Schrute: It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl and Nellie raise their hands] Excellent. You have your own hazmat suits?
Dwight K. Schrute: Renters! Okay, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse, conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch.
Dr. Eberland: Sheldon, you have nothing to worry about. Even if you did get the flu, it's usually over in a week.
Sheldon: Why are we getting medical advice from a man who smokes?
Dr. Eberland: Okay, I have patients who are actually sick. Maybe we should wrap this up.
Sheldon: How come you don't get sick all the time?
Dr. Eberland: Well, I take precautions. I wash my hands, I wear gloves and a mask.
Daphne: Hello, all. Oh, everyone, this is Rodney Banks.
Daphne: Dr. Niles Crane.
Niles: How do you do?
Rodney: The pleasure is mine.
[After Niles and Rodney shake hands, they both reach for their handkerchief to wipe their hands]
Rodney: Flu season.
Niles: Can't be too careful.
Manny: I've been reading up on some of those tropical diseases: malaria, yellow fever, rabies. I'm high risk, Jay. I'm a big hand shaker.
Jay: You're fine. You've had all your shots. And that Paco Rabanne will scare away any mosquitoes.
Mitchell: That's too cute.
Jay: What the hell is that?
Mitchell: That's the store mascot. That's Hugga Bunny. He goes around and he hugs-
Jay: No, I get it. Nice for flu season. He ought to be called conjunctivitis bunny.
Patient: So, you don't think I have a germ phobia?
Niles: Not at all. Just a healthy sense of personal hygiene. Ah, here's the number of the man who cleans my telephone. The best in Seattle.
Frasier: And though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive-compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine.
Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.
Raj: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Do you have allergies?
Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?
Raj: I don't put pepper on salads.
Sheldon: I've heard enough. Sit over there.
Amy: Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me. And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell, the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.
Adult Sheldon: I've been called a germophobe, but I do find a single sneeze acceptable. It could be caused by dust, allergies, really whatever nasal irritant floats your boat. However, during flu season, a second sneeze means a plague is upon the land, and it's every man for himself.
Phoebe: Where's Chandler?
Chandler: [enters from the bathroom] Here I am.
Phoebe: Wash your hands!
Chandler: How did you know?!
Cameron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Dwight has one of the most important games of the season next week and I can't have you getting him sick.
Alex: Yeah, I'm over the mono.
Cameron: But it could still be contagious, and I have a fun costume idea for you. How about being an old-timey bank robber? You gotta cover that face before the marshal gets to town.
Don: Hi, I'm Don Benson. I'm here about the hot tub.
Blanche: Oh, my goodness, word does travel fast. It's not in yet, Don.
Don: Oh, no, I'm not here to soak in it. I'm a city inspector.
Blanche: [closing door] You can't come in here. This house has been quarantined. We all have, uh... Quick, Rose, give me a deadly disease.
Rose: Oh, I'm sorry, Blanche. I don't have a deadly disease.
Blanche: Well, get one.
Manny: I have a fever.
Gloria: Ay, mi amor. Come here and I feel you.
Manny: Ooh. I don't wanna get you sick. It could be fatal.
Jay: Then by all means, stand next to me.