Tom: Okay, everyone stop what you're doing and come with me... all four of you.
Ron Swanson: Where are you going?
Tom: Leslie's not here today. No boss. We can do whatever we want.
Ron Swanson: I'm your boss.
Tom: [laughs] That's a good one, Ron. Let's go, seriously. Come on.

Leslie Knope: Yeah, so, basically every dorm allows bed lofting, but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.
Ben: Did you go to Johns Hopkins?
Leslie Knope: No.

Lauren: Hello? Hello?
Ron Swanson: Can I help you?
Lauren: Hi. My class is here on a field trip, and I'm supposed to interview someone for a school project.
Ron Swanson: Okay. You can wait at that table, and someone will be here sometime.
Lauren: But aren't you here now?
Ron Swanson: No.

Ben: What is this?
Leslie Knope: Whale sounds.
Ben: Okay.
Leslie Knope: You can change it if you want.
Ben: Yeah?
[Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" plays]
Leslie Knope: What the hell?
Ben: Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Yeah, I snuck an Al Green song in there. I want them to get together. Sue me.

Leslie Knope: And, so, as you can see, Pawnee has 12 beautiful baseball diamonds, and our seats have extra cushioning due to the massive size of our average citizen.
Doug: I have to bring up what happened the last time Pawnee hosted this tournament.
Leslie Knope: No, you don't.
[news broadcast from September 30 1989:]
Perd Hapley: Good evening. We begin with our first story tonight. They're cute, they're cuddly, but now they're wreaking havoc at the State Little League Championship. Pawnee's raccoon infestation. [children scream] Have these little bandits stolen our sense of safety?
[present:]
Leslie Knope: The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town, and we have ours.

Ron Swanson: And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.
Teacher: Lauren, ready to head back?
Ron Swanson: Well, I guess it's time for you to head home. I've really enjoyed talking with you. You are... and this is not a joke... much smarter than most of the people who work in this building.
Lauren: I liked talking with you, too, Mr. Swanson. [shakes Ron's hand]
Ron Swanson: Ron. Hang on, hang on, I have something for you. This is a Claymore land mine. Use that to protect your property.
Lauren: Thanks, Ron.
Ron Swanson: You got it.

Tom: Tommy Hilfiger iPhone app finally.

Chris: Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble. I urinate roughly 12 times a night.

Chris: Well, that was quick and to the point. Here's a tip.
Leslie Knope: Mm?
Chris: The key to a healthy urethra: radishes.

April: Andy is totally mad at me right now, and I don't know how to deal with him, so I thought I would ask you.
Ann: You know, Andy and I broke up so long ago. I... I don't think that I'd be the best source to...
April: Please.
Ann: What happened?
April: He doesn't think I like Mouse Rat. And all I said to him was that this other band was better, but I don't know why he got all mad, because it's like an indisputable fact that they're better. They're a real band.
Ann: Oh, boy. Okay. Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music, so this isn't really about being right. It's more about being supportive.
April: Oh, wow, I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann. Sorry. [sighs] My instinct is to be mean to you.
Ann: I understand.