Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Grant Larsen has offered me a chance to oversee a branch office of the national park service. This is like the parks equivalent of Bruce Springsteen pulling Courtney Cox onstage. I mean, one minute you're just a regular girl in the crowd, and the next minute you're dancing 10 feet away from freakin' Max Weinberg!

Ron Swanson: You really shouldn't have dug that out of the dumpster.
Andy: I had to. Also I had a banana on the way over here. Sorry. I get why you don't want any more to know about Duke Silver, and you don't have to worry. You secret is safe with me. To even it out, I'm gonna tell you all of my secrets.
Ron Swanson: Oh, no, that's not necessary.
Andy: I once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. I didn't actually sell my last car. I just forgot where I parked it. I don't know who Al Gore is, and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. When they say 2% milk, I don't know what the other 98% is. When I was a baby, my head was so big scientists did experiments on me. I once threw beer at a swan, and then it attacked my niece Rebecca.

Tom: Regal Meagle. My favorite realtor. You got some hot properties to show me?
Donna: You know it.
Tom: Remember my list of must-haves: Open kitchen, fireplace, exposed brick, and you know I wouldn't kick a skylight out of bed.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm opening Pawnee's first authentic Sinatra style Italian restaurant, "Tom's Bistro." I'm kind of like a skinny, handsome, Indian Mario Batali, who doesn't know how to cook.