Andy: Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. Everyone feeling normal... today?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Here's what happened. I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test. Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool. So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin - Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April - is pregnant! Can't be April. She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. There's only one man for this job: Burt Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, Tom, you stay here, stay on Joan. Get that sticker. Chris, Andy, we're gonna stay on schedule, and we're gonna do some damage control.
Andy: All right. Everybody move! Move, move, move! This entire event is under federal jurisdiction.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Unless he's in trouble, there's only one man for the job. Burt Macklin, FBI. You thought I was dead? [chuckles] So did the president's enemies.

Ben: Look at this guy. "30 years of experience with a degree in architecture from the Royal Danish Academy of Fine Arts in Copenhagen."
Leslie Knope: Wow! Beautiful fountain. Perfectly manicured shrubbery. This is like Parks Department porn. This guy is great. I don't care if he's some junkie war criminal pimp. I am not gonna change my mind.
Ben: His name's Wreston St. James. He's from Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I've changed my mind.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not being melodramatic when I say that people from Eagleton are snobby and evil, and they look down on Pawnee, and they would most likely exterminate everyone who isn't from Eagleton if they weren't so busy being obsessed with themselves. [exhales] God, that was close. Sometimes when I rant about Eagleton, I forget to breathe, and I pass out.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, they always wine and dine you first, but the fact of the matter is Eagletonians are, without exception, snobby, condescending jerks. This is the Pawnee side of our border with Eagleton... [sign: "Now Leaving Pawnee. Come Back Soon!"] And this is the Eagleton side. [sign: "Now Entering Pawnee. Good Luck With That!"]

Tom: This is the best I can do for now. And I'm $46 under budget. Now I have a small treat for you guys for all your hard work. Pizza party!
Jerry: One small pizza for all of us. With no toppings.
Tom: Cheese is a topping, Jerry. And why are these lights blaring, by the way? Does someone here own stock in the electric company?
Ron Swanson: Hmm. If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.