Parks and Recreation - Ron Swanson Quote #146
Ron Swanson: [on video] Hello, Ron. It's Ron. If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil. Right now, you're probably thinking Tammy's changed. We'll be happy together. But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain. So you have two choices... One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration. Choose wisely. You stupid [bleep].
Ron Swanson: This is a waste of time. You people have no idea what you're talking about.
Leslie Knope: That was you on the tape. That was you talking.
Quote from Ann
Chris: I would like a local beer. I'd like it in a bottle. I'd like the bottle to be cold.
Ann: I would like a glass of white wine. I would like it to be chardonnay. And I would like that with one ice cube. Thanks.
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I know Tammy seems scary. But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library-book-pedaling, sex-crazed she-demon.
Quote from Ron Swanson
Wendy: They're getting really old and I'm an only child. I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to see you go. I've really come to think of you as... A companion.
Wendy: Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada?
Ron Swanson: [chokes, spits, laughs] Canada. No, I don't suppose I would.
Quote from Gin It Up!
Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.
Quote from Ms. Knope Goes to Washington
Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]
Quote from Partridge
Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.