Man: Excuse me. I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday, but I had a little car trouble.
April: Sorry, he's busy right now.
Man: Oh. Uh, well. Well, can I reschedule?
April: Sure. Hmm. How about June 50th?
Man: Sorry?
April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
Man: What is going on?
April: Looks like the only other day he has open is March-tember one-teenth. Does that work, sir? [phone rings; April hangs up]

Tom: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse 'cause you look barely legal?
Jessica Wicks: Tom Haverford. If you're not the most charming man in Indiana.
Tom: And this must be the luckiest man in Indiana. Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [holds hand out; awkwardly hugs Nick Newport, Sr.] Come here, you.
Nick Newport, Sr.: Tell me straight. Are you a Chinese?
Tom: No. I'm one of the Indian people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.

Ann: Now, I have to tell you, I don't actually work in the Parks Department. I'm a nurse.
Man: Seriously? That's great news. I have the weirdest thing on my arm. Can you see this?
Ann: [to camera] Every time.