Leslie Knope: I have stakeout supplies. This is stuff that we're probably going to need. We have notepads, pencils and pencil case. Shakable whipped cream. Cameras. Pork. And candy necklaces. It's like we're real police. And I made us a mix CD. It's all filled with songs about people watching people. It's mostly Sting. And look, I put our faces on there.
Tom: It's really cool.

Leslie Knope: You're not from here, right?
Tom: No. I'm from South Carolina.
Leslie Knope: But you moved to South Carolina from where?
Tom: My mother's uterus.
Leslie Knope: But you were conceived in Libya, right?
Tom: Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
Leslie Knope: Where did the name 'Haverford' come from?
Tom: My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani, and I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it really far in politics.
Leslie Knope: What about Barack Obama?
Tom: Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a dude named Barack Obama was going to be elected President, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I would like to be President someday, so, no, I have not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once. At a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.