Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: Okay, let's begin the barbecue.
Chris: Oh, hey, little guy. What are you doing? Oh, no.
Ron Swanson: Everyone, meet your meat.
All: No!
Tom: Why are you doing this to us?
Ron Swanson: Well, in my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life. This is your dinner. His name is Tom.
Donna: [laughs] Burn.
Tom: Seriously?
Ron Swanson: I understand that it's hilarious, but that is his given, Christian name. Tom is very smart and incredibly loyal. He's basically a dog. A dog we're going to cook, chew, and swallow.
Ann: Dude, there's kids around here.
Ron Swanson: Good point. Which one of you youngsters wants to help me drain the blood from this animal? If you do a good job, I'll give you the bladder. You can blow it up for a fun play ball.

Donna: Where is Swanson?
Tom: Man, I'm hungry. My legs are tired. It feels like I just exercised.
Jerry: Just sit on the ground.
Tom: No, Jerry. It's dirty, and I'm wearing my summer linens.
Ann: God, you're such a baby. Look, I brought a picnic blanket from your house.
Tom: That's not a picnic blanket. That's a Merino wool throw for my Eames chair!

[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Every summer Leslie throws a barbecue to thank the Parks and Maintenance staff. It's horrifying. Barbecues should be about one thing. Good, shared meat.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: There will be no froofy desserts. There will be no giant-soap-bubble guns. There will be no adult men in costumes. And most of all, there will be no [bleep]ing vegetables.
Jerry: Well, Ron, can we at least have corn on the cob?
Ron Swanson: [stares] No.

Chris: Ron, Chris Traeger feelings update. I'm now feeling that your guests are getting a little antsy.
Ron Swanson: Fine. I'll skip a few steps and speed things up.
Chris: There you go.
Jerry: Is there at least something to drink?
Ron Swanson: There's beer in the cooler.
Chris: What about for the children?
Ron Swanson: You can get water from that water fountain and use it to water down the beer.
Ann: Why don't you just give the kids water?
Ron Swanson: I suppose you could do that. Now, would everyone please back off and just let me cook in peace?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: These people are soft. They're grill virgins. But by the time this day is over, they'll have been taken by the grill and delicately and tenderly shown the ways of flavorful meat love. Mmm. The first time is so beautiful.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] My amazing lover, Ben Wyatt, is here working on a congressional campaign. And he took April with him as his intern. I'm here to visit, but I am also here to work, because I have a very important meeting where I am going to try to get federal funding so we can clean up the Pawnee river. It's a bit of a fixer-upper. Romantic reunions, government meetings, self-guided museum tours-- I mean, am I living the dream? I don't know. Did I also just walk past a food truck and buy myself a waffle sundae? Yes.

Donna: Uh-oh. Do I sense trouble in the Haverford-Perkins household?
Tom: No such luck, Donna. Ann and Tom, aka Haverkins, are stronger than ever.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Everyone said it wouldn't last.
Ann: And it didn't. Shocking that our drunken plan to move in together wasn't a success. After the first day, we realized we had made a huge mistake.
Tom: Huge.
Ann: However, everyone was being so smug about it, saying there's no way it would last, so we're pretending to still be together. That way, no one gets the satisfaction of being right, even though they are, but still.
Tom: More importantly, I bet Donna $1,000 that we'd be together for another month. I can't stress this enough. If she finds out that we broke up, I'll go bankrupt.

Ann: Oh, my God. Did you put glitter in the laundry detergent?
Tom: Oh, yeah. I'm experimenting with some new entrepreneurial ideas. That one's called "Sparkle Suds." Dress loud.
Ann: Will you stop putting glitter in everything? This morning you put glitter in the butter.
Tom: "Disco Dairy." Spread the party.
Ann: No, that's not a good idea. That's terrible.
Tom: Well, the target demographic isn't angry, middle-aged nurses.

Kate: They say it will pass, but we'll only get $400 million instead of $900 million.
Ben: Kate works at the Pentagon and Lacey works for Eric Cantor.
Kate: What do you do, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: I was just recently elected. I'm a councilwoman.
Lacey: Local government is so important. My grandma's on the city council in her town. Gives her a reason to leave the house.
Kate: Where did you say you were from?
Leslie Knope: It's called Pawnee.
Lacey: Pawnee, Missouri? Oh, my. That is so random. I've been there. Totally cute.
Leslie Knope: Pawnee, Indiana. Pawnee, Missouri, is a total craphole.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I both did some amazing things today. He scored a victory for the congressional campaign he's working on. And I was mistaken for Beverly D'Angelo by a Japanese tourist. So, pretty big day for both of us.