Lisa: Thank you, Ulee. It is so inspiring to hear stories of powerful women who are held in high esteem by their hometowns. Now, from the hometown of Pawnee, Indiana, in the United States, Leslie Knope. [applause]
Leslie Knope: First let me say, it is a true honor to be here among these amazing women. You all inspire me with your accomplishments and the things you have done for your hometowns and the things your hometowns have done for you. I mean, they're just truly... You know, I've been a public servant for a long time. And you know how I spend my days? Cleaning slime out of rivers and removing slugs from people's front yards. And I love my town, but you know how they repay me? By hating me. They hate me. They want to recall me. I wish I could move to Silkeborg and dance with a reindeer.
Ulee Danssen: You're always welcome in Silkeborg! Olga, let's start a statue of Leslie.
Leslie Knope: See? They like me in Silkeborg more than my own hometown, and I've never even been there. I love Pawnee, but sometimes it sucks. The people can be very mean and ungrateful, and they cling to their fried dough and their big sodas, and then they get mad at me when their pants don't fit. You know, I'm sick of it. Pawnee is filled with a bunch of pee-pee-heads. Thank you very much for this amazing award. I'm sorry I said "pee-pee-heads." [laughs; applause]
April: Whoo! That's my boss!

Leslie Knope: [answers phone] Hello.
Jerry: Leslie, it's Jerry.
Leslie Knope: Jerry who?
Jerry: Gergich.
Leslie Knope: Jer- Oh, Jerry. Jerry, why are you calling me? I don't want to waste my international minutes.
Jerry: Leslie, your speech was webcast, here in Pawnee. Everyone saw it.
Leslie Knope: What do you mean, "everyone"?
Jerry: I had organized a big viewing party, you know, to support you, and, well, now that Kathryn Pinewood lady, she's already pounced. She's calling it the... "Pee-pee-head" speech.
Leslie Knope: Bloody hell, Jerry!
Jerry: So how's Lond- [Leslie hangs up]

Leslie Knope: Oh, I almost forgot. I finally got you a proper wedding gift, part one of many.
Ron Swanson: A train ticket? You think I want to extend my stay on this godforsaken continent?
Leslie Knope: Yes, you do. If you follow that itinerary to the letter, I promise you, you will not be disappointed.
Ron Swanson: Well, I would offer to buy you a drink, but where the hell would that even happen?
Leslie Knope: This is London, Ron. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
Ron Swanson: Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping in those two butcher shops first.

Tom: Thank you all for coming, and let me just say how truly, deeply trill it is to be standing in this dope-ass
conference room, addressing a group of people in a business meeting. It's really a dream come true.

Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm so happy for you guys! Ohh, this is the greatest day in the history of days. This day, a thousand years from now, will be celebrated as the beginning of a new and better human race. I am so happy for you, I'm never letting you go. I am not gonna let you go.
Chris: Oh, oh, oh, eventually, she's going to have to go back to work.
Leslie Knope: Are you sure you should be working? I mean, you should be resting and getting fluids and... And cold compresses and greasy foods.
Ann: That's for a hangover.
Leslie Knope: Right, yeah, of course. I'm so goofed-up right now. I'm so jet-lagged. I took a sleeping pill on the plane, and then I changed my mind, so I took this thing called "Zapvigil," which, apparently, is what Israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake. So right now, it looks like I'm talking to a giant crab. Stay away from me, crab!
[laughter] I'm just kidding. I know it's Ann.

Ben: So Andy's gonna stay there for three months. I hope he's okay. He sent me an email this morning. I guess he got on the wrong train on the way to work and got lost.
[cut to Andy in front of Stone Henge:]
Andy: Yeah, this isn't right. None of this looks familiar. Eddie?

April: Okay, well, before you go, I have something for you. I feel like you're getting sad about how stupid and lame people are, and that is my job, not yours. So I'm gonna read this letter to you, out loud, but if you hug me afterwards, I swear to God, I'll scream and pull my hair out and maybe punch you in the face. Okay?
Leslie Knope: Okay.
April: Please sit. [clears throat] "Dear award committee members..."
Leslie Knope: [sobbing]
April: Leslie, I didn't even start.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
April: "Dear award committee members, where I live, there are a lot of apathetic people, people who don't care at all about what they do or how they do it. They let the world wash over them and barely notice anyone else is even there. Leslie Knope is not one of these people. She cares about everything and everyone in our town. I don't know how she does it. People come to her with the pettiest, stupidest problems, and she cares-- like, really, actually cares-- what happens to them. And if you're lucky enough to be her friend, your life gets better every day. She spends every waking moment thinking of new ways to make her friends happy. There is something wonderful about seeing someone who has found her true purpose on earth. For some people, I guess that's being an astronaut or a hot dog-eating champion. For Leslie, her true purpose on earth, her true meaning, is making people's lives better. That's what I love about her, and that's why she deserves this award. Sincerely... Satan."
Leslie Knope: You're getting hugged right now.
April: No, I told you not to.
Leslie Knope: I'm giving you a hug.
April: No! Stay away! No!

Tom: Maybe I should just throw in the towel. Your dad'll destroy me. I'll be left with nothing. Thought I was a better-looking version of Zuckerberg. Turns out I'm the better-looking version of the Winklevoss twins.
Jean-Ralphio: First of all, unbelievable analogy. Second of all, what are you talking about, man? You're Tommy Haverford! You're an idea man. When Babyface was your age, he hadn't even signed Toni Braxton yet, let alone Usher.
Tom: You're right. I mean, I'm basically Babyface.
Jean-Ralphio: You're basically Babyface!
Tom: Okay, I'm gonna keep going, and I'm gonna beat your dad.
Jean-Ralphio: That's what I'm talking about! And for me, it's a win-win either way. Either my best friend emerges triumphant, or my dad beats you, and I get all that money when he dies. I'm actually getting dinner with my dad right now. You want to come?
Tom: No!

Leslie Knope: Oh, that's a big cheering section.
April: Okay, that's Khongordzol, from Mongolia. She grew up in a hut that was entirely made of ice and mud, then she became their mayor, then their police chief and their best wolverine Wrangler. I love her.

Ulee Danssen: Oh, hi. You must be Leslie Knope. I'm Ulee Danssen. I'm one of the honorees.
Leslie Knope: Wow, look at your face.
Ulee Danssen: What?
Leslie Knope: It's just so symmetrical.
Ulee Danssen: Oh, thanks! You know, we all have that in Denmark.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you're from Denmark, of course.