Leslie Knope: Ron, we're back.
Ron Swanson: Bully.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer, so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Ben: You know, Andy and Tom were right when they said the DeMarcos don't matter. Their generation's the past. The way to make this merger take hold is to focus on the future.
Leslie Knope: Of course. The children. The children are our future. Whitney Houston knew it, and so do you, and so do I.

Leslie Knope: Aha! Jackpot. You know what this is, Ron? This is a mix I made for the summer Parks barbecue, 2007. I asked everyone in the Parks Department to choose one song. You chose Buddy by Willie Nelson, a fact I remember because my mind is a steel trap of friendship nuggets. But I am not going to play your choice. I'm gonna play Jerry's choice.
[Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" plays]
Leslie Knope: Ooh, that's right. And I'm gonna sing along. And I'm gonna maintain eye contact the whole time. And guess what. I don't know the words. [sings] Harry Truman was a guy America, Red China All the countries, other people Everyone is fun Joe Mantegna, Ian McKellen I have to buy a new toaster This is awesome, you're so stupid Jumping up and down. [talks] Whoo! Oh, I got it on repeat. Come on, Ron. Do you want to hear it again, or do you want to talk? No? Okay, next verse. [sings] Freddy Krueger bought some pants Oprah has a turtle farm Peter Piper pee-pee poopy Daddy ate a squirrel
Ron Swanson: Stop this!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera:] My first act as a city councilwoman? I've proposed a tax on all those giant sugary sodas so we can discourage people from drinking them. I believe, with my help, all local restaurants can get healthier. Paunch Burger, Big and Wide, The Fat Sack, Colonel Plump's Slop Trough, which was formerly Sue's Salads until we ran that out of town.

Leslie Knope: Hello. Hi. My name is Leslie Knope, and I work for the Parks and Recreation Department. Can I ask you a few questions? Would you say that you are, enjoying yourself and having fun, having a moderate amount of fun and somewhat enjoying yourself, or having no fun and no enjoyment? I'm gonna put a lot of fun.
Boy: Ms. Knope, there's a drunk stuck in the slide.
Leslie Knope: Sir, this is a children's slide. You're not allowed to sleep in here.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: You know, when I first tell people that I work in the government, they say, "Oh. The government. The government stinks. The lines are too long at the DMV." But now things have changed. People need our help. And it feels good to be needed.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: Could you put your arms to your side? And that might help you slide down a little easier. Do you want to come this way? Okay, we're gonna need you to get out. Can you please go away? Get out of the slide. Okay? You're... Can you please go away? Here we go! Okay, wake up. Here we go. Out of the slide.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: You know, government isn't just a boys' club anymore. Women are everywhere. It's a great time to be a woman in politics. Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, me, Nancy Pelosi.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: We did it! You know, I like to tell people, you know, "Get on board and buckle up, because my ride's gonna be a big one." And if you get motion sickness, you know, put your head between your knees 'cause Leslie Knope's stopping for no one.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Good morning. Last night, in a foolish attempt to infiltrate a boys' club, I violated the government employee ethics code of the state of Indiana. I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed. I realize I have let down every female public official in America, and I would like to apologize to them, right now, individually, and in alphabetical order. Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota. I am sorry. Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin. I'm so sorry, Tammy. Melissa Bean.

Ron Swanson: Okay, here's the situation.
Leslie Knope: Your parents went away on a week's vacation. They left the keys to the brand new Porsche. Would they mind? Mm... Well, of course not. [rapping] I'll just take it for a little spin And maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise around the neighborhood. Well, maybe I shouldn't Yeah! Of course I should Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot Pulled up to the corner at the end of my block That's when I saw this beautiful girly-girl walking I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking Sunroof was open, the music was high And that girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car I can't believe it! I made a mistake But parents are the same No matter time nor place So to all you kids all across the land No need to argue Parents just don't understand [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Just a little something I know. So, what's up?
Ron Swanson: Someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

Ann: Leslie, relax.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Okay? I just have a few more questions for you, Ann. What if he shows up with another woman? What if one of my sleeves catches on fire and it spreads rapidly? What if instead of Tic Tacs, I accidentally pop a couple of Ambien and I have to keep punching my leg to stay awake?
Ann: Those are all insane hypotheticals. And I promise you they won't happen.
Leslie Knope: They have happened. All of these have happened to me.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: No, there's more. One time, I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine. Once I went out with a guy who wore 3D glasses the entire evening. Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy's motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs. Another time, I went to a really boring movie with a guy, and while I was asleep, he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that, but then he got weird.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Yesterday I was tough and direct and today I have to be charming. Basically, yesterday I was Hillary Clinton, and today I'm Bill.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's awful what happened to Andy. But sometimes when you make an omelet, you got to break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.