April: Chris, Jerry's making us look at dirty pictures on his computer.
Chris: It is exactly because of that lewd photo that I am here. Ben and I are launching a full investigation. And I want to apologize to all the women... And Jerry. If I could go back in time, and cut your eyeballs out, I would.
April: Wow, that is so sweet.
Chris: Thank you.

Tom: Let me ask you this. Are you living your dreams?
Andy: I don't know, Tom.
Tom: Well, I'm living mine. And if you wanna live yours, here's my card.
Andy: It's impossible to read.
Tom: Black print, black background. It's the coolest possible color scheme.
Andy: Yeah.
Tom: It's also a strong magnet. So don't put it in your wallet. It will erase your credit cards, guaranteed.
Andy: Destroy my credit cards. Debt and everything?

Leslie Knope: Ben? Uh, okay. Ben? I need to talk to you. [hangs up Ben's phone]
Ben: That was my brother. He just had a baby girl.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, that's horrible. Or good. Full disclosure, I didn't listen to what you just said.

Ron Swanson: So running for office. Now I'm gonna have to find a replacement for you.
Leslie Knope: I might not win.
Ron Swanson: You'll win.
Leslie Knope: I might not run.
Ron Swanson: You should. What's our plan here, Knope?
Leslie Knope: I figure we build a fire, roast the fish we shot, and make s'mores.
Ron Swanson: I don't have the material for s'mores.
Leslie Knope: I do. I always carry emergency s'more rations in my car. Given your hunting abilities and my chocolate supply, I figure we could stay up here for two...three years.

Ann: Who were the suits?
Leslie Knope: They want me to run for office.
Ann: Oh, my God! Leslie, yea!
Leslie Knope: I know, right? Yea.
Ann: Yea!
Leslie Knope: Yea!
Ann: Yea!
Leslie Knope: Yea!
Ann: Wait, what does that mean about you and Ben?
Leslie Knope: I don't know. I think it's gonna be really bad.
Ann: Uh-oh. You just wanna go back to saying "yea"?
Leslie Knope: Yes, please.
Ann: Okay, yea.
Leslie Knope: Yea. Yea.

Tom: Donna, you look amazing. How are the kids?
Donna: I don't have kids.
Tom: Wow. How long has it been?
April: Three weeks.
Tom: [sighs]

Ben: Who was that?
Leslie Knope: Uh... Lady- Just ladies. Meeting for the ladies' yacht club. [opens door] Anchors away, ladies.
William Barnes: What?
Leslie Knope: Just don't--
Ben: Ladies' yacht club?

Ann: I cannot believe you haven't told him yet.
Leslie Knope: After I tell him, I'm running for office, we're gonna have to break up.
Ann: Why can't you just keep sneaking around?
Leslie Knope: Ann, you beautiful, naive, sophisticated, newborn baby.
Ann: What?
Leslie Knope: Before, if people found out, we would maybe lose our jobs. Now, if people find out, it's gonna be a major scandal. My campaign will be over before it begins.
Ann: What are you gonna do?
Leslie Knope: I have a plan. And it's really good. I'm gonna postpone telling him until you figure out what I'm supposed to do. So get crackin'.

Leslie Knope: Whoever this is sent it to every woman in the entire government.
Andy: Oh, my God. He's gonna be so embarrassed. I mean, that's a crazy accident.
Leslie Knope: No, Andy, he did it on purpose.
Andy: [gasps]
Tom: You know what? Respect. That's a baller move. Pun intended.

Ben: We are getting a lot of media requests about this. So Leslie, can you do Perd Hapley?
Donna: Ho! She can do Perd Hapley.
Leslie Knope: Hi-oh!
Ben: Seriously, can you do his TV show?
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah.