Jerry: Donna, can you help me? I got a 311 call, but it was all static.
Donna: That sounds like an I.T. problem.
Jerry: Well, how do I get I.T. here?
Donna: Call 311. [laughs]

Tom: Councilman Jamm changed his vote. He's voting no on Fun in the Sun.
Leslie Knope: What? Why? He promised me.
Tom: He just said that he changed his mind. Then he told me some veneers could really make my smile pop. Thoughts? [smiles]
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. The vote is in an hour. Okay, we need to have an emergency strategy session now.
Autumn: What about the perm?
Leslie Knope: The perm must wait, Autumn! The perm must wait.

Tom: Look, Jamm saw you on Pawnee Today. He knows how much you want this. He's just trying to get something in return. This is a bargaining tool.
Leslie Knope: You know, this is why people hate the government. 'Cause just when we're about to do something really good, it all falls apart due to some stupid, selfish jerk butt. You know, screw Jamm. Screw Jamm. I'm just going to try to get Councilman Milton's vote.
Tom: Milton? He's, like, 150 years old.
Leslie Knope: Yeah. He's got grandkids, okay? And--and kids love to swim. And he'll give us his vote. He's an old person, and I'll talk to him really slowly. He won't even know what he's doing. I just need to hurry up. How do I look?
Tom: I don't know how to answer that.

April: Oh, here's something. "Benji's Cool Times Summer Jamz Mix."
Ben: Oh, no, I--you probably don't want to listen to that...
April: Yes, I want to listen to it.
Ben: Just 'cause--no, listen, it--
April: I want to listen to it.
Ben: We don't--we don't--
April: I wanna hear what's on it.
Ben: We don't need to-- April...
[Salt n Pepa's Shoop plays]
April: Really?
Ben: Don't judge me.

Leslie Knope: Councilman, you have grandchildren--
Councilman Milton: And seven great-grandkids. Tim, Mary, Jack, uh, Tim, Marie, Tim, and Mary.
Tom: Don't forget about Tim.
Councilman Milton: Right, Tim. How many is that?
Leslie Knope: [laughs] You know, it's very hard to tell. This might not work.
Tom: Let me find Jamm, see if he'll bargain. [exits]
Councilman Milton: What country is he from?
Leslie Knope: Iceland.

Andy: [singing] Ron and Diane Sitting in a tree K-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p-i. [talks] Do you hear that bird?

Leslie Knope: Jamm! What do you want? Support of one of your bills? Committee chairmanship?
Councilman Jamm: I want your toilet.
Leslie Knope: What?
Councilman Jamm: Your office, with the private bathroom?
Tom: He wants your office.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but, uh, I've got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Leslie Knope: This isn't even about policy? Absolutely not.
Tom: This is a no-brainer. Just make the trade, everyone's happy.
Leslie Knope: I'm not happy. He shoots down a very helpful bill 'cause he doesn't get to poop wherever he wants? No, I'm gonna get Councilman Milton, and you can put your butt back in your pants, sir.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, well, love the hair!

Ron Swanson: Andy, come help me tamp this down.
Andy: For the last time, Ron, it's Princess Rainbow Sparkle.
Ron Swanson: Holy Moses.
Ivy Lewis: Can we turn you into a princess?
Ron Swanson: No.
Andy: I think it would really make Diane happy.
Ron Swanson: Why would that matter? Shut up.
Andy: Ooh.
Ron Swanson: Would you please come help me tamp this down? It's a job that requires two men.
Andy: Or does it require two princesses?
All: Please? Please? Please?

Councilman Milton: Oh. This is impressive. You remind me of a young, beautiful Strom Thurmond.
Tom: Yes, I've been saying that for years.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Milton, do I have your vote?
Councilman Milton: Yes, indeed. [shakes hand]
Leslie Knope: Oh. [shakes hand] Oh, there's a lot of salad dressing on your hand.
Councilman Milton: Shall we kiss?
Leslie Knope: Huh? No. No! [backs away]
Councilman Milton: Aah! Oh! [falls to ground] Oh! [groans] Oh.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, are you okay? Please be okay. Please, still be able to vote. We can kiss if you want to.
Councilman Milton: With tongue?
Leslie Knope: Hey! No.

Councilman Milton: She tried to kiss me. She was insatiable.
Leslie Knope: Well, I don't know, maybe we should, you know, postpone the vote until the councilman gets better, you know?
Councilman Jamm: Uh, yeah, we're not postponing anything, okay? I'm pushing the vote through and it won't pass. Complimentary toothbrush? You're missing the backs of your upper canines. Sloppy technique.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me? I have excellent toothbrush technique.