April: I'm sorry, was your name Jennifer?
Tynnyffer: No, it's Tynnyffer with two y's. I used to be Jennifer, but then I decided to rebrand myself. Oh, wait, hang on. It's Xanax o'clock.
April: [mirrors Valley Girl accent] Um, well, nice to meet you. My name's April, and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
Tynnyffer: I saw my spinning instructor wearing it, and I was like, "Shut up. Where do I get that?"
April: Oh, my God. Who's your spinning instructor? Gregory or Wynona?
Tynnyffer: I go to Yonis. Who are Gregory and Wynona? I've never heard of them before. Are they better?
April: Wynona rocks my world.
Tynnyffer: Seriously, you need to get me in there. Like, that's a must, must, must.
[aside to camera:]
April: She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.

Ron Swanson: Ron.
Eagleton Ron: Ron.
Ron Swanson: Last name?
Eagleton Ron: Dunne.
Ron Swanson: Is that your name, or are you telling me you're finished talking?
Eagleton Ron: Both.
Ron Swanson: Dunne and done. [both chuckle]
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I like Ron.

Leslie Knope: Okay, Pawnee Parks Department. Soon, you will be paired up with a person who was roughly your equivalent in Eagleton. Donna, you'll be with Craig. April, you'll be with someone named Tynnyfer. And Ron, your guy is also named Ron.
Tom: Guess there's no Tom Haverford equivalent. Not surprised, I'm one of a kind, just like the custom Nikes I designed that say "Tommy's Tootsies" across the toes.

Tynnyffer: Can I just say something? I'm having so much fun right now.
April: Oh, my God, me too. Like, so much fun. Can I just say something, though?
Tynnyffer: Yeah.
April: Okay. You don't want this job. Seriously, this place is the pits. It's like, if you worked here, you'd be like, "Ugh!" And Leslie would be like, "Blah, blah, blah." And you'd be like, "Uh..."
Tynnyffer: Okay, can I say something? Right now, I totally think that you're right, and I had been thinking about going someplace warm while my husband is in jail.
April: Oh, my God! Can I just say something?
Tynnyffer: Yes!
April: Okay. You should totally stay at my house in Miami.
Tynnyffer: What?
April: I'm serious. Come by anytime. Just let yourself in. The gate kind of jams sometimes, but you can just jump it.
Tynnyffer: You are so amazing right now. You're like skinny Mother Theresa.
[aside to camera:]
April: It's Dwayne Wade's house. I got his address off the Internet. I really hope he's there when she walks in and he throws a basketball at her head.

Chris: Councilwoman Knope is your merger czar, and in the binders that she's provided, you will find directions to your department in Pawnee that most closely matches your department in Eagleton.
Leslie Knope: There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: the Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I am told is a fancy horse-riding thing.
Alonzo: It is horse-dancing, madam.
Leslie Knope: Okay, take it easy, Alonzo. All you horse dancing people, sit in your saddles if you will. The rest of you, welcome to your new departments.

Leslie Knope: We brought Jerry out of retirement because we have a mountain of filing to get through. Welcome back, Jerry Gergic.
Jerry: Thank you, Leslie. And as long as we're starting out fresh, Leslie, I was wondering if people would call me by my real name.
April: Larry?
Jerry: No, it's not Larry. It's Jerry. No, it's Garry.
April: Your name is Larry, Larry Gengurch. His name is Larry Gengurch.
Jerry: Come on, April, it's already hard enough for my family when you call me "Garry." Jerry.
April: Ha, ha, classic Larry.
Tom: [laughter] Larry.
All: Larry, Larry, Larry.
Jerry: Aw, jeez.

Chris: Today, we are not just merging two towns. We're throwing a birthday party for a new city. Happy birthday, New Pawnee. [blows party horn]
Ben: Party's over. You guys lost millions of taxpayer dollars, and we have to clean up the obscene mess you've made.
Horatio Freck: You're not as nice as the other guy.
Ben: I don't care.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: When we were state auditors, we had an amazing system.
Ben: Yeah, Chris pumped everyone up and made them feel positive and happy. And I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons.
Chris: Like a majestic alley-oop. [ascending voice] You're all amazing!
Ben: [descending voice] You're all fired.
Chris: Teamwork.

Donna: Hi, I'm Donna.
Craig: Oh, that is the perfect name for you. I love it. Never change it!
Donna: Wasn't gonna. You're Craig, right?
Craig: Ugh, yes, but I hate that name. It's so boring. Sounds like someone's cousin. Craig! Craig! I want to be a Spanish man named Terrence, but that didn't happen.
Donna: Okay.
Donna: So here's my list of duties. I'm basically the office manager. How about you?
Craig: Oh, I did everything. Everything! I carried the Eagleton department on my shoulders for years, and I loved every second of it. You don't even know!

Tom: Well, well, well. You must be Eric.
Ragiv: I'm Ragiv from I.T. This is E.R.I.C.
Tom: E.R.I.C. is a computer program?
Ragiv: Stands for Eagleton Reservation Information Center. It does all the scheduling in Eagleton. I'm here to install it.
Tom: But scheduling's the main part of my job.
Ragiv: You still have a human being in charge of booking tennis courts? What is this, 1990? [computer beeps] I guess that explains the shoulder pads. [laughs]
Tom: How did he notice these?

Leslie Knope: Wow. I feel sorry for her. I mean, nobody can fill your shoes, Ann. With your tiny little doll feet.
Ann: Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I, uh, I'm gonna step down, and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
Leslie Knope: What? No. Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster.
Ann: No. No, no, no. Chris and I have been talking, and we are thinking very seriously about leaving Pawnee and moving somewhere else to start our family-- Oh, my God, look at that. It's waffles! Delicious waffles.
Leslie Knope: Wait.
Ann: Should we try? Yeah, let's try.
Leslie Knope: Huh?
Ann: Mmm.
Leslie Knope: Wait, what were you saying?
Ann: Try. Just enjoy. Yeah. There we go.