Leslie Knope: [talking softly] Hello, everyone. Thank you all for coming to this wonderful and calm event. Our first item up for bid is two all-access V.I.P. passes to the unity concert. Let's start the bidding at $40. Do I hear 40? Thank you. 40. We can beat this. 50. Anyone for 50? $50. Thank you, sir. Terrific. Any higher? No? Well, that's fine. We're all just calm and happy people enjoying ourselves together on earth. Sold for $50. How magnificent.
Craig: Leslie, that's less than face value. You need passion, zeal, showmanship. I don't have the gavel, so I'm powerless. I respect the hierarchy of the auction!
Ben: I think Leslie's doing a great job. Thank you, Craig.

Craig: Oh, my God, there's blood everywhere. Call a doctor! No, call a coroner!

Craig: Well, I sold everything on the auction list, no thanks to you people. What's so wonderful that you're all celebrating while I do all the hard work?
Leslie Knope: We're having triplets.
Craig: Oh, great. First my cousin Winona gets into a car accident the night my one-man show opens, and now this? Why are my accomplishments always overshadowed? Congratulations, I suppose.
Leslie Knope: That's nice of him.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, I'll take that.

Craig: [sneezes] Ugh! The sawdust from Ron's chairs is everywhere! My sinuses are on the Fritz, and smell is 90% of taste, maybe 95%!
Tom: Okay, Craig, Donna's gonna be your wine taster. You guys will work as a team.
Donna: Fine, but if he raises his voice once... once... I'm out.
Tom: Please don't stick to that policy.

Joe: I like the vanilla one with the lemon cream.
Craig: That was a joke cake I got from the grocery store to weed out low-quality palates.
Donna: Maybe it's because he's my fiance, and I love him, but I kind of like the grocery store one, too.

[future:]
Horatio Sanz: We are gathered here today to join Craig Middlebrooks and Typhoon Montalban in holy matrimony.
Craig: I don't know about this. I'm very scared.
Typhoon: Oh, just relax, you nervous Nelly.
Craig: You're right. We love each other, and the tax break is substantial.
Typhoon: Will the best man please present the rings?
Ron Swanson: Good luck, you two.

Ben: Okay, new people. Let's introduce ourselves.
Craig: Craig Middlebrooks. Samantha in the boardroom, Miranda in the bedroom. I know it's not ideal, but it's who I am. This is my friend Madison. She's amazing. And she drove me here!