Andy: Well, I got my answer. About April. She hates me. Yeah. And she got a boyfriend, I guess, from some city in Mexico. So... What do I do?
Leslie Knope: Okay. Well, when your back's against the wall and odds are stacked against you, you just... you... You swing the hardest, damn it. You go big, or you go home. And you don't seem like the kind of guy who goes home.
Andy: I'm not. I don't even really have a home.

Ben: Who builds a fence to keep kids out of a playground?
Leslie Knope: Three words... Lindsay Carlisle Shay.
Andy: [groans loudly] Who?

Andy: Great win, great night. Great year. Hot wife. Jackpot. [laughs] Good job, me.
April: Oh, my God. Babe. You know what? Almost everything you wrote on that board as a dream job was some type of police officer.
Andy: Yeah. You ready to go?
April: No, listen to me. How does this sound? "Officer Dwyer, Pawnee PD."

Andy: Okay, babe, here's what I did. Tell me if this is appropriate for a kids' song. I changed the lyrics in Sex Hair to... [plays guitar sings] You got sex bears You got 'em from me, kids Sex bears Big ol' sex bears
April: Andy, the word "hair" was not the problem with Sex Hair.
Andy: Oh, it's sex! Oh, crap. Now what the hell am I supposed to sing?

Tom: I don't know, Andy. What's it all about? What's the secret?
Andy: Yeah.
Tom: Why's it so hard to become a mogul? All I want in life is to own a nightclub on every continent, have my own line of upscale sweat suits, and a cologne called Tommy Fresh. And I fell $1,000 short.
Andy: Seriously? That's all you needed? Tom, I have $1,000. You can have it.
Tom: Thanks, Andy, but I can't take your money.
Andy: I'm a singer/songwriter. The two lines I've put into every song I've ever sang, "Spread your wings and fly," and "You deserve to be a champion." If you're telling me that all you need is $1,000 to do your dreams, then I want you to have it.
Tom: Are you sure about this?
Andy: Maybe.

Andy: Oh, babe, thank God you're here. I got so bored, I started thinking about existence. "Do I matter? Do any of us? Is there a master plan in the works, a grand design?" Just dumb stuff like that.
April: Ugh! Who cares?
Andy: [sighs I thought being a security guard would be exciting. Nope.
April: Wait a minute. Isn't this how all great Burt Macklin cases start? It's quiet. A little too quiet.

Leslie Knope: All we need to do is go to Indianapolis, convince Chipp to do the festival, and then, you know, head home.
Andy: Are you sure you're feeling up for this, boss?
Leslie Knope: I'm fine. I've had the flu before, and I worked through it.
Andy: Okay, well, if you do collapse, luckily I know first aid. Or karate.
Leslie Knope: That's not first aid.
Andy: It is if you do it right. [karate chops] Heimlich!