TV Quotes

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Tom: Business at Rent-a-Swag could not be better. Yesterday Jaden Smith came in, and he was like, "Look, I want to quit the music/acting business and work here with you." And I was like, "Jaden, be serious. The world needs you. You have a gift."
Trevor Nelsson: Ever since my client opened his store across the street, your sales have plummeted. It's only a matter of time before you're out of business. But my client has had a moment of weakness, something he referred to as "sympathy"? He's made you a final offer... $40,000 for Rent-a-Swag and all of its contents. I suggest you take it.
Tom: Well, I've heard all the facts, and it's pretty obvious what I have to do... Get a big old mug of hot chocolate, put on my thinking PJs, and get back to you.
Trevor Nelsson: The offer is valid for 48 hours. We would also be interested in acquiring your thinking PJs.
Tom: Listen to me very carefully. No matter what happens, you will never acquire my thinking PJs or my YouTube blazer... Nonnegotiable.

Tom: Hey. Here's a fun game. Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets.
Ann: Ooh, that does sound fun.
Tom: Stop me when I hit it.
Ann: 1,000... 800... 700... 600?
Tom: Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me?
Ann: I have those cotton t-shirt sheets.
Tom: Huh?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst.

Producer: Additional support for Pawnee Public Radio comes from the Edgar C. and Janis R. Lumway Foundation and the Richard and Lois Wallenberg Foundation Foundation, dedicated to the idea that all human beings deserve a chance to hear about foundations.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to Thought For Your Thoughts. I'm your Pawneean host, Derry Murbles.
August Clementine: And I'm your Eagletonian host, August Clementine.
Derry Murbles: Yes, if you have not heard our program in a while, Thought For Your Thoughts now has a co-host, thanks to the Pawnee-Eagleton merger.
August Clementine: I believe that is the Eagleton-Pawnee merger, n'est-ce pas?
Derry Murbles: I'd like to apologize to our listeners for my co-host's sudden and violent outburst just now. Our guest is former city councilwoman Leslie Knope. Leslie, thought...
August Clementine: For your thoughts. I said it.
Derry Murbles: Absorb the aggression, Derry. Absorb the aggression.
Leslie Knope: Well, I just want to say thank you so much for having me. It's a thrill to be here. As a listener, I think the merging of your two shows has really created such a big, quiet, arcane ball of fun.