TV Quotes

Tom: [aside to camera] The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul. I even thought about downhill skiing. A mogul mogul. But a real estate mogul? Hmm. That's a hot mogul right now.

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Producer: Additional support for Pawnee Public Radio comes from the Edgar C. and Janis R. Lumway Foundation and the Richard and Lois Wallenberg Foundation Foundation, dedicated to the idea that all human beings deserve a chance to hear about foundations.
Derry Murbles: Welcome to Thought For Your Thoughts. I'm your Pawneean host, Derry Murbles.
August Clementine: And I'm your Eagletonian host, August Clementine.
Derry Murbles: Yes, if you have not heard our program in a while, Thought For Your Thoughts now has a co-host, thanks to the Pawnee-Eagleton merger.
August Clementine: I believe that is the Eagleton-Pawnee merger, n'est-ce pas?
Derry Murbles: I'd like to apologize to our listeners for my co-host's sudden and violent outburst just now. Our guest is former city councilwoman Leslie Knope. Leslie, thought...
August Clementine: For your thoughts. I said it.
Derry Murbles: Absorb the aggression, Derry. Absorb the aggression.
Leslie Knope: Well, I just want to say thank you so much for having me. It's a thrill to be here. As a listener, I think the merging of your two shows has really created such a big, quiet, arcane ball of fun.

Andy: Honey! I just traded Finland's military to Kenya for 50 lions. That's pretty good, right?
April: Yeah...
Andy: Okay.
April: But also militaries are pretty good at protecting countries.
Andy: But so are lions. And you don't have to pay them.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: These kids are idiots. I've just traded all of Finland's boring stuff for every other country's lions? I definitely have more lions than any other country in the whole world right now. I have no idea what's going on. But if that ends up meaning something in this game, I'd say I'm set.

Ben: Okay, everybody, latest poll is Newport, 40%, Leslie, 32%, with everyone else way back. Now this debate is our best chance to close that gap. Chris, Ann, and Tom, you guys will be talking to reporters, providing facts, general spin.
Chris & Ann: Spin team!
Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I can literally make anything sound positive.
Tom: Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market.
Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.