TV Quotes

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Tom: Hey. Here's a fun game. Let's talk minimum acceptable thread count for sheets.
Ann: Ooh, that does sound fun.
Tom: Stop me when I hit it.
Ann: 1,000... 800... 700... 600?
Tom: Ann, I'm at 600. Are you really not stopping me?
Ann: I have those cotton t-shirt sheets.
Tom: Huh?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It's always the most beautiful ladies who hurt you the worst.

Jean-Ralphio: This is it for certain, okay? I create a game show. Two people on stage, right? They flip a coin. One of them has to perform open-heart surgery. The other one has to receive open-heart surgery. We call it Open-Heart Surgery.
Tom: How about this? You buy a Gulfstream G-IV jet.
Jean-Ralphio: Already interested.
Tom: Take the wheels off.
Jean-Ralphio: Get 'em off of there.
Tom: Turn the jet into an apartment building. People could live inside their own private jet.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: We're currently coming up with business ideas for Jean-Ralphio 'cause as of today, his bank account is blowing up.
Jean-Ralphio: I made my money the old-fashioned way. [sings] I got run over by a Lexus.
Tom: I still can't believe you won all that money in the lawsuit. You barely got hurt at all.
Jean-Ralphio: Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

[Pawnee, 2019:]
Craig: [sings] Funny, though it's true Those silly things you do They only bring me closer To you [applause]
Tom: Nice crooning, buddy. The gentleman over by the bar there sent you over this glass of wine and his business card.
Craig: [to Typhoon] Okay, fine.