Nick: Do you guys think it's cool or weird if, uh, Pepperwood has a peg leg? Where we at on that?
Gertie: I'm afraid it might make him too vulnerable.
Nick: I just don't see it that way. I think it makes-- All right. No peg leg, I guess.

Jess: You had an unsupervised meeting with the students. You're wearing home slippers on school grounds.
Nick: [scoffs] Home slippers.
Jess: You parked in Janitor Margie's parking spot. And, by the way, she pissed. And she ain't small.
Nick: It's a dirt patch.

Jess: This is unacceptable. I don't want to be your enemy, but I also don't need to be your friend. So you guys don't get to write to your international pen pals for a month. You've all lost your community garden privileges. Two weeks' suspension from the freestyle poetry slam. And I'm calling all of your parents. Spread the word! Principal Day is done messing around. Now get out.

Gertie: We're sorry about being so disrespectful, Principal Day.
Jess: Well, I appreciate that. If anyone wants a muffin, I... I have an extra one.
Gertie: Here. We got you a gift card to a coffee shop. It's really close to your route to school.
Jess: Well, that's not necessary. Th-Thank you. That's...
Ramona: We know you have a lot of roommates, and some of them are brilliant authors working from home,
creating great chronicles. But they can make their own coffee.
Jess: Well, that feels... oddly on the nose.
Terrinea: We have the upmost respect for you.
Jess: Sorry, did you just say... "upmost"?

Schmidt: Jeremy.
Winston: Oh, my God, he came back. Come on.
Cece: What the hell is this man doing in our house?
Jeremy: Let me introduce myself. My name is Jeremy. I'm the executive assistant to your husband and my boss, Mr. Schmidt.
Cece: Oh, are you the one who called and asked me about my blood type?
Schmidt: He's very thorough. Actually, he's going to need everyone's blood type.
Nick: You're not getting my blood.
Jess: That's super weird.
Winston: Oh, hell no.