Rhonda: You wanted to sign the divorce papers, and-and I thought this was... this was a good a time as any. But I know it's a shock, but... meet your son.
Cece: Oh, my God.
Winston: Um... [chuckles] Now, you listen to me, baby. [chuckles] My father walked out on me, and I swear
I will never do that to you.
Rhonda: That's so sweet. [whispering] You just got Rhonda'd. Rhonda'd. [chuckles]
Cece: No...
Winston: Oh, my God! Did you just prank me with a baby?
Rhonda: [laughing] A human baby.
Aly: What the hell?
Winston: That is amazing! Oh, my God. Oh, I can feel my heartbeat through the back of my head! You just took years off my life! You are the master!

Winston: Nine-inch bottle. Rappers be lying.

Winston: I don't know how to talk to women. Reason being, I feel like you all think that I just want one thing from you.
Daisy: Mm-hmm.
Winston: I want the one thing. But a bunch of other th... can a man just want all the things? I mean, damn.
Daisy: I like a challenge. And you are one big challenge. I'm Daisy.
Winston: Winston.

Winston: It's a home visit, Jess. And not just from any cop. It's from Sergeant Tess Dorado. The Fish. I'm pretty sure they call her The Fish because she's tough but fair, just like most fish I've interacted with.
Schmidt: Winston, "dorado" is a fish. It's a subset of mahi-mahi and it pairs very nicely with citrus, you oaf.
Winston: I'm not a oaf, you're a oaf, stupid. [snorts] So... You're dumb. Shut up.
Schmidt: Also, put on some underpants, please. It's like a bounce house down there.

Nick: Well, if I were so cute, then how come I can't find anyone to love?
Schmidt: 'Cause you're aiming too low.
Winston: Nick, my man, you don't find diamonds underground.
Nick: That's exactly where you find diamonds, Winston.
Schmidt: Let's... can we not... This is not about gems, okay?

Winston: Blackout. ATM's are down. Cash is king and batteries is queen.
Schmidt: What? Stop being so whimsical, Winston.
Schmidt: Cece still hasn't called me back. I think I pushed her too far.
Winston: No, Schmidt, you did the right thing, man. Look, people get mad at police officers because we tell them what they don't want to hear. Yet, everyone loves police officer... [cop voice] Hey, it's a blackout, not the Rapture! You yield! All right! Hey, hey, hey, sir, sir! Keep it moving! Keep it moving! Keep it moving! Come on, right this way, ma'am. Right this way, ma'am. Right this way, ma'am. Right that way, ma'am. Sir, go, go, go! We ain't got all day!

Winston: I'm gonna try to settle him down. and disappeared. [laughter continues] [sings] What would you do if your son was at home Crying all alone On the bedroom floor
Casting Director: Oh, my God, he's singing to the cat.

Jess: Turns out that Pete had a very good excuse for not showing up. He died.
Coach: What?
Winston: [sings] Just got out of the shower Guess who cleaned everything? Guess who got in deep? [talks] What?

Winston: [sings] It's time to try defying gravity I think I'll try defying gravity

Winston: I thought you were going to dress sexy.
Shelby: A sense of humor is sexy.
Winston: I don't want to date the queen of Cats and Dogs.
Shelby: Reigning cats and dogs.
Winston: Makes no sense. I don't see the queen of England running around with a cape and British people stapled to it.
Shelby: What?
Winston: When is the last time you heard somebody say, "Man, you know what's sexy? A woman with stuffed animals taped to her back." Look how good I look! Look how stylish I look.
Shelby: That's not sexy. I feel like I'm getting a speeding ticket.
Winston: Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad, my mustache is coming off!
Shelby: Why do you have a mustache glued on top of your mustache.