Winston: All right, man. I'm gonna take off. I gotta head to the station before my dance gathering.
Schmidt: You can't go to the station like that. They'll make fun of you.
Winston: When are you gonna stop worrying about what people say? When I look into my suggestion box, it is full. [laughs] People have a lot to say about the way I live my life. But there is only one comment card that I pay attention to. And you know what that card says? It says, "Great job. Keep it up." And you know who filled out that card? Me. You know how I know? Because I recognize my motherfreakin' handwriting. [backs away]
Schmidt: Now that's a Goosebumps Walkaway.

Nick: You know, I thought I heard the door open at 3:00 a.m. Those are the sounds of true love. Bet she had the time of her life.
Winston: What happened? Did I miss her?
Schmidt: You did.
Winston: Man, I love meeting the girls you bring home. I like to pretend like I'm your lover on the down-low. "Theodore K. Mullins. Damn, Schmidt, in our bed? Where we shave each other? I've always loved you, you're my boo."
Schmidt: Theodore K. Mullins is not my type, man.

Winston: Hello. I am Winston Bishop. I'm Aly's boyfriend. Please, if you will, I want to, uh, say a few words to my girlfriend.
Schmidt: He's standing on the furniture.
Cece: Just relax, okay? Help is on the way.
Winston: Aly, I wanted you to feel special tonight because... I'm wild about you. Maybe things didn't go perfectly, but damn it, don't be embarrassed to be crazy in front of me. Okay? I am the king of crazy. [Aly chuckles] I have inside jokes with my cat. I am a member of the Puzzling Guild of North America. I shave my face cold, and I brush my teeth hot.

Winston: I'm losing my mind, guys. You know, I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.

Winston: And the jury will see that there is no justice for the Hebrew man. Not in these so-called United States.
Nick: What is that that you're doing?
Winston: I can't get enough of this legal drama. Check this out. Favorite author, Grisham. Favorite TV show, Judging Amy. Favorite color, courtroom brown. Courtroom Brown. Damn, I wish that was my nickname.
Nick: Did you just think of that? 'Cause it was perfect, man.
Winston: Courtroom Brown.

Nick: You want to drunk fight a cop?
Coach: He stole my girlfriend.
Winston: Did you hear the joke about the two black guys and two white guys who walked into a police station? The two white guys came out.

Winston: And that's when I decided to stop playing the game of basketball. Jess, walk away the moment you stop loving it. I mean, that's what I did.
Jess: That's the thing, you didn't walk away.
Coach: You decided nothing. That story contains zero decisions.
Winston: Look, I decided to stop playing the game of basketball when my doctor told me I had to stop. Okay, okay, all right, I it was my decision to start to play the game of basket.
Jess: You were handed a basketball six seconds after you were born.
Winston: Damn, do I even like basketball? I mean, goodness, have I ever made any decisions my whole life? Are we all just living inside the mind of a giant?

Schmidt: What are you doing here?
Nick: I'm representing you.
Bill Berklan: Everything all right?
Schmidt: I'm a bit caught off guard. I wasn't expecting these two very real lawyers to show up today.
Winston: Well, we wanted to let you know that the entire firm is standing behind you. Besides, whether I sit in my office or in here it's all billable. Am I right, gentlemen? [laughter]

Winston: And I am never taking this crystal off. Well, I mean, except if I'm making a tomato sauce and the crystal keeps dipping in the tomato sauce. Then I'll take it off, and that's just being practical. I don't know too much about crystal care, but, oh, I intend to find out.

Winston: Well, I'm on my way to meet Aly and her boyfriend for brunch. [laughing] And I am super excited to meet him. [normally] Yeah, that was sarcasm. And this is shark-casm: I just hate eating people.