Nick: Wow, you look great.
Jess: [with fake teeth] Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
Schmidt: No!
Nick: No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth!
Jess: Come on, guys. These are hilarious. Kids love these.

Schmidt: Hello, Gretchen. I see you wore the pant suit again.
Gretchen: This is a new one. It's got way more stretch, in the pants.
Schmidt: That's horrible.
Gretchen: Are you ready for tonight? I'm gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.
Schmidt: Oh, god, how many are there?
Gretchen: It's a two hour slide show.
Schmidt: No! Gretchen, we can't do this anymore, okay? It's not... It's not healthy, all right. Please, no more.

Jess: Well, I'm Nicholas' girlfriend. We just started dating so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep, so much doing it.
Nick: So much doing it, it's crazy.
Jess: He's so soft, like a towel.
Caroline: Well, uh, it was nice to meet you.
Jess: It was so nice to meet you too, Carol.
Caroline: Caroline.
Jess: [laughs] I give up.

Jess: Yay! Bride and groom! Make way! Huzzah! Celebrate love! Get ready for a wonderful life of merriment and joy.

Caroline: Jess is...great.
Nick: Yeah, the best. So happy.
Caroline: Are you guys pretty serious?
Nick: Yeah, we are pretty serious. Yeah, we live together. I mean different bedrooms but shared bathrooms, so that's something.

Schmidt: Alcohol. Any kind of alcohol you have. Just give me anything. Thank you.
Gretchen: Give me that.
Schmidt: Oh, God. It's like you're lapping it out of a puddle.
Gretchen: Ugh, where did you get those boots? Off a lady hiker?
Schmidt: Look at those earrings. Are they clip-ons?
Gretchen: [whispers] I'm gonna make you wear them.
Schmidt: Huh? No!

Jess: Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Schmidt: Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke, she's perfect and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic mean spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
Jess: What's so bad about liking Gretchen? I mean you guys obviously have like a weird connection.
Schmidt: No, no, no. I wanna connect with Brooke. I wanna connect with her in the shower, on the floor, sitting Indian style.
Jess: Okay, you know what, you can keep talking but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.

Jess: [dancing] Come on in, honey. The water's fine.
Nick: Jess, you know I don't dance.
Jess: Oh, but you didn't know that I did this. I'm mime walking, I'm Mime-chael Jackson.

Jess: Schmidt! Schmidt! I need you to help me take these off so I can go find Nick!
Brooke: God, are you friends with that girl?
Jess: Schmidt?!
Schmidt: Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but, she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. It's like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it and the poor thing just went... She went crazy.
Jess: Schmidt, I need you to help me slap my thighs around!
Schmidt: I don't want to scare you, but she can be very dangerous when she drinks. Okay, I shouldn't even be in the same room as her, it's just, it feels so good talking to you.
Brooke: Maybe we should get you out of here.
Schmidt: What a great idea. Yes.
Brooke: I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Schmidt: Whatever you need. Whatever... Yeah, of course.

Jess: Oh, hi. Schmidt is very fond of you.
Brooke: Um, look, I..I don't know...I don't even know him that well, okay?
Jess: Oh, I'm just cutting off my underwear, you know, girl stuff. [groans] Ah. So tight. Well, it's been really nice chatting with you but I've got a pretend boyfriend to hunt down, I think he's cheating on me [brandishing a palette knife] and don't break Schmidt's heart, or you'll have me to deal with.