Nick: I don't know what to do. I want to get you something great, but I can't find anything on the Internet. Here's the truth. I'd give you my heart. I'd rip it out of my chest but... but then I would literally die. But you know that, you're studying to be a nurse.
Cece: No, I'm not.
Nick: You're already a nurse?
Cece: Not a nurse.
Nick: But you went to college didn't you?
Cece: Why didn't you just give us the Vitalstir?
Nick: Because then it would just end up in a landfill in a year when they come out with a Vitalstir 3001.
Cece: Well, I imagine they'd go to 4000. Do you think that they have made 3,000 different Vitalstir models?
Nick: Do you really think they've perfected this blender in four tries? You're not a nurse.

Nick: Would you be interested in rubble from old Yankee Stadium?
Schmidt: What, for my rubble collection?
Nick: I'm having a really hard time finding something for you. I thought I was just gonna go on the Internet, but the Internet is so different now. Have you been on the Internet lately?
Schmidt: How drunk are you?
Nick: I remember when the Internet used to just be a naked lady and a bunch of dancing hamsters.
Schmidt: How drunk are you, Nick?
Nick: I literally haven't had one thing to drink.
Schmidt: How many drinks have you had?
Nick: Give me a breathalyzer.
Schmidt: It feels like you're drunk.
Nick: Z-Y-X-N-L-P-A.
Schmidt: You're hammered.
Nick: I'm drunk.

Jess: Okay, James. Uh, let's leave now so I can show you the school's landscaping.
Ed: Wait, actually, I have a stubborn back yard. Uh, I don't want to bring in frogs, but if I could attract frogs...
Winston: Very common situation in our business. You need a well.
Ed: A well? Oh. Well, you need to let me buy you a bottle of wine and pick your brain about all this.
Winston: [laughs] That sounds good, E-dawg. We should... But... but right now, I should get going.
Jess: Yeah.
Winston: I got a butt load of koi fish in the back of my truck that need bonding.

Winston: Hey, Jess.
Jess: Did Schmidt tell you I was gonna be in here?
Winston: No.
Jess: Then how come you didn't get scared?
Winston: Before I enter any bathroom, I take a moment to myself and say, "No matter what happens in there, don't get scared." And it works, you know, except for that one time when I was at the Cubs...

Schmidt: It's only one room, one flaw. Every beautiful thing has one flaw. Marilyn Monroe has her beauty mark. "Thriller" has its Vincent Price poem.
Cece: Babe. Do you like this ceiling fan?
Schmidt: Wicker... wicker blades!
Cece: They are made from reclaimed hampers.
Schmidt: It's like a dirty laundry propeller above our bed.
Cece: [laughing]: Yes.
Schmidt: Okay!
Cece: [sighs] I love that we're on the same page. [exits]
Schmidt: That's right. Two flaws. Okay. Two flaws. No beautiful thing has two flaws, only ugly things. It's spreading.

Jess: Actually, I'm gonna go with my group. We rented a van. It has a built-in microwave. We're all really stoked about it.
Schmidt: You're not making me feel any better about this group of strangers.
Jess: Well, it's not all strangers.
Robby: [enters] Some of them are friends! [laughing]
Cece: Robby?
Schmidt: My Robby?
Robby: Yeah. I got here way too early, so I've just been standing outside, kind of waiting for my opportunity to enter. How'd I do?

Nick: What happened to you?
Schmidt: The Pepperwood Chronicles, that's what happened to me.
Nick: So it's really that bad.
Schmidt: Nick. This book... is magnificent.
Nick: What?
Schmidt: Julius Pepperwood? A hard-boiled Chicago cop turned New Orleans detective, racing around on fan-boats, drowning that two-faced DA in a bucket of jambalaya.
Nick: Yeah. Right in the jambalaya.
Schmidt: Finding John F. Kennedy... alive?
Nick: That wasn't too far?
Schmidt: It's a masterpiece, Nick.

Winston: Look, man... you got to understand something about the long "D". At first, it's very hard. Okay? It's a lot to take. But the long "D" in the end is... [chuckling] very much worth it.
Nick: You have to see what you're doing here.
Winston: Right now you're having problems. I'm not. You know why?
Nick: 'Cause you love the long "D".
Winston: I've adjusted to the long "D".
Nick: Okay.
Winston: Sometimes it's rough. Yeah, can be bumpy road sometimes, man.
Nick: The long "D" can be bumpy.
Winston: Ooh!
Nick: Sometimes there's unexpected curves.
Winston: Don't I know it.
Nick: But once it breaks you down a little bit, you learn to like the long "D". You're gonna say something like that?
Winston: You get used to it is what I'm saying.
Nick: I think I'm done with this.

Priest: May this couple be blessed and be helpful to one another in all ways.
Cece: Just when I thought you couldn't make me any happier, look what you did today. You're amazing.
Schmidt: I hope for as long as we stay together, that I always remain someone that you want to hollah at.
Cece: I look forward to a lifetime of joy, growth and constant mispronunciation of common words.
Schmidt: For the first time, I see what the rest of my life looks like.
Rabbi: I now pronounce you husband and... Oh, wait, uh, we need the glass.
[Nick hands Schmidt the "Douchebag Jar"]

Jess: Your speech wasn't that bad.
Nick: My speech was fantastic. It's the best 17 minutes of my life. I really opened up my heart.
Jess: I was gonna say.
Nick: Nah, I'm just feeling bad about Reagan. I think I came on too strong, or-or... I don't know. She told me she's leaving tonight on a train.
Jess: On a train? Where's she going, Hogwarts?
Nick: No, San Diego. I don't know if "Hog-warts" is near San Diego. I've never heard of it.
Jess: Never mind.