‘The Story of the 50’
Season 1, Episode 10 - Aired January 17, 2012
Jess organizes a party for Schmidt's 29th birthday. Meanwhile, Nick isn't sure he wants his new girlfriend to meet his friends.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Thank you, Ms. Phatbooty, you're the best. [hangs up] Yes, I just hired my first stripper. Anything else I should get?
Quote from Jess
Tanya: Do you like jazz cigarettes?
Jess: Hi, Tanya. Patti told me that...
Tanya: Patti told you to break in my office to look for drugs? Hey, JK kidding, JK kidding. You can do whatever you want. I didn't know you liked to shop at the Confiscation Station. So what are you looking for... grass? 'Cause I can do a locker search on Monday.
Jess: Monday's too late because...
Tanya: Oh, so what do you got cooking this weekend, huh? You have to tell me. I'm your boss. What is it, a list thing, Paperless Post? I'm free Friday, but I can also make Saturday or Sunday work.
Quote from Jess
Martin Fuller: Oh, no. It's getting a little nippy out. Not a good time to start turtling.
Schmidt: Come on. Jess, make it stop.
Jess: I'm gonna pay you... $50 to never show us your penis.
Martin Fuller: But what about tips? I make my living on tips.
Jess: Well, can you do anything else for the money?
Martin Fuller: I'm a baritone at my gospel choir at First Presbyterian.
Quote from Jess
Jess: Everybody, everybody... hey! Welcome to Schmidt's 29th! Safety is of the utmost importance, so the person sitting next to you is gonna be your bus buddy for the night. Any time you're up and about, please wear one of these fashion helmets.
Tanya: And I brought drugs.
Jess: Tanya has half a pot cookie, so maybe she'll share if you're lucky. Okay, everybody, have fun! Martin, sing us out.
Martin Fuller: [sings] Oh, when he comes Oh, when he comes He's gonna come for you
Quote from Jess
Jess: [over bullhorn] Good evening, night owls. It's about to get bubonic in here, for tonight, we're going to... The Plague. Sorry. Just... It's just Plague. It's a discotheque. We'll be going there next.
Quote from Schmidt
Nick: All right, I'm sorry, okay? You're so quiet. You're having a terrible time.
Julia: I don't mean to be. I'm probably just intimidated. I'm sitting right next to the inventor of bro juice.
Nick: I get it, okay?
Julia: That's... I'm gonna brag about that.
Nick: I did. I invented bro juice, okay? And now you want... You're done.
Julia: What?!
Nick: I get it. When we get off the bus, it's over, I blew it.
Julia: It's ridiculous. I don't care about any of it. I really don't. Everyone's got embarrassing stuff. I mean, I have stuff that you don't know about.
Quote from Nick
Nick: What, are you like the Bourne Identity person?
Julia: I've got these iss... like, these anger management issues.
Nick: Anger management?
Julia: But I'm trying to fix it. I go to all these class... They're court-ordered classes, but...
Nick: And what was, like, all this stuff you...?
Julia: It's martial arts. I started doing martial arts, ironically, because I thought it would give me a little bit more Zen in my life. You must be really freaked out right now.
Nick: Yes, I am really freaked out.
Julia: I'm so sorry.
Nick: I hate that I'm so turned on by your craziness, but I, um...
Julia: Go with it.
Nick: I'm going with it.
Quote from Schmidt
Schmidt: It was a little piece of fuzz.
Winston: You tried to kiss her?!
Schmidt: It was right there and just...
Winston: Just put it in the jar, Schmidt.
Nick: Yeah, come on. No excuses, Schmidt.
Schmidt: Okay. For you... for you guys.
Jess: Happy birthday.
Schmidt: 29!
Nick: Ten more.