Schmidt: $50. I've never put $50 in the douche bag jar.
Nick: Well, that's really impressive, Schmidt, considering.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Someone's personalized condoms just came in the mail.
Jess: Hey! Jar! $20.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: Winston, did you know that NWA didn't stand for "Never Walk Alone"?
Winston: $30. Jar.
[flashback to Schmidt entering the apartment wearing a vest and a hat]
Schmidt: Hey, man.
Nick: No! Jar, Schmidt. Jar!
Schmidt: For what?

Julia: Just don't lie to me about stuff, and we'll be fine.
Nick: Fine. When I work out, which isn't often...
Julia: Uh-huh.
Nick: I listen to Huey Lewis because it pumps me up. Not ironically. Want to hear something else?
Julia: Okay.
Nick: I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it. Want to hear something else?
Julia: No, I think I'm good. And I believe you, and I appreciate all of this truth-telling.

Benjamin: Schmidt, this party... is the worst.
Winston: Come on, man. This party is badass, all right? Don't act like I didn't see you over there eating on the charcut... the charcut... the charcut?
Schmidt: Charcuterie.
Jess: Charcuterie.
Winston: Charcuterie. Don't act like I didn't see you eating the charcut...
Schmidt: Charcuterie.
Winston: Charcuterie...

Schmidt: So, it's my birthday.
Jess: Right now?
Schmidt: Right now.
Jess: Happy birthday.
Schmidt: Happy birthday, Schmidt. I'm 29, folks. What's up? 29! 29! [laughs] Can you please not tell anybody I just did that? That feels embarrassing. Actually, you know what? I don't care what people think. Do you think I care too much about what people think, Jess?
Jess: Maybe a little bit.
Schmidt: Maybe.

Schmidt: $50 in the douche bag jar?
Winston: Absolutely, man.
Nick: Yes, absolutely.
Schmidt: Why so much?
Jess: I feel like it should actually be more in the 100, 200 range, so that's a discount.
Nick: Think about what you did, Schmidt.

Julia: Come on, lawyer party... the classic fifth date. What are you talking about? I'm not gonna apologize for it. I got nothing to apologize for. I owe you nothing.
Nick: No, I'm having a really fun time. I love wearing a Bill Cosby sweater in front of a bunch of lawyers who are younger than me. [as Bill Cosby] Hello, I'm Bill Cosby, do you like pudding? My son's name is Theo and his best friend is Cockroach.
Julia: That supposed to be Bill Cosby?
Nick: Yeah, that's as good as I can do. Let's see yours.
Julia: Would you like to hear how he really sounds? [as Cosby] I want to get some more pudding.
Nick: That's the worst Bill Co... How about this? [as Cosby] I got a daughter named Rudy Huxtable, and she's the cutest of all my daughters.

Julia: I'm really glad that you're here with me.
Nick: Yeah, I'm happy you let me be here with you.
Julia: No, I really am because I got to, like, kiss all the asses of these 24-year- old law students to try to get 'em to work here.
Nick: I went to law school.
Julia: You went to law school?
Nick: Yes. I quit. Yes.
Julia: Quit law school... why?
Nick: Because I realized I hated lawyers.
Julia: He says to the lawyer. And for some reason I find you ridiculously attractive for saying that.
Nick: Why don't you kiss my ass, then? [awkward silence] Look, Julia, I got turned around. I thought we were doing a flirty back-and-forth...
Julia: I'm actually just kidding. I really do want to do that.

Julia: Let's go to your place.
Nick: Do you want to just go to your place? Do you mind?
Julia: Are you married or what?
Nick: No, no, no, n-no, no, no, n-no, I'm not married. I am the opposite of married. Before you, there was like, there was like nothing. I've got, like, no girls on the horizon. In a hot way.
Julia: Then why don't you ever invite me to your place or, like, tell me all that much about yourself? It's weird... I don't even know where you live.
Nick: I'm 30 years old, and I live in a loft with three roommates. In a hot way. [as Cosby] But maybe you can kiss my butt when I talk like Bill Cosby.

Jess: [on the phone] Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper. Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage, very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold. Mm-hmm, yeah, I'll hold.

Nick: Hey, Winston, why'd you do that?
Winston: Are you hiding her from us? Like, are you ashamed of your friends?
Nick: 100%, and you're not my friend right now. You're my enemy, Winston, my enemy.
Winston: Give me a kiss, give me a kiss.
Nick: No, that's the problem.