Cece: Some tea lights and flowers and this place could be nice.
Schmidt: It's like a Mumford & Sons music video, yeah? Is there hay in here?

Winston: You ditched me when we were supposed to run away from home together. I built that raft for nothing!

Reagan: I've got to say, I'm pretty impressed with how quickly you guys came to that decision.
Nick: Well, that's 'cause you don't know how mature we are. You see, Winston had dibs on Cindy De La Garza since the fifth grade, I Frenched her in the eighth grade, so...
Reagan: So about 20 years ago Winston had a three-year-old dib, he never acted on it, and now you're the bad guy?
Nick: [laughs] Oh, Reagan. First of all, dibs can't be singular...

Reagan: Uh, can I... can I practice my presentation on you?
Nick: Sure. But I'm bored already.
Reagan: Okay.
Nick: This stuff's really boring for me. For everybody, I guess.
Reagan: Hmm. [sultry] Hepatitis C can be a long... arduous experience. But now discover Zilpoza from Wudai Pharmaceuticals. FDA approval... pending double-blind study. If you've had cirrhosis or kidney disease, Zilpoza... may not... be right... [whispers] for... you.
Nick: [laughing] You think I'm a 13-year-old boy? I know what you're doing.
Reagan: What am... what am I doing?
Nick: You're trying to lead me on, and I won't have it. Case closed! You're having Winston!
Reagan: Great, I'm having Winston.
Nick: Uh... [starts to stand up, sits back down] Mm. [exhales] [wheels away in the chair] It's so juvenile, what you're doing. A dib is a dib.

Schmidt: Quick question. Look, we realize that you guys book up decades in advance, so please just let us know that you don't have any slots available.
Philip: Actually, you're in luck-- Shia LaBeouf had to cancel his solitaire tournament, and we have one open slot, in April.
Schmidt: [quiet groan]
Cece: In April? Mm-hmm. All right, babe, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You need to breathe. We're just gonna enact the plan that we set up for when you see an ankle boot you really, really, really like, right? What do we do?
Schmidt: We walk away... And if I dream about it in the middle of the night, then it's meant to be. We're gonna walk away, Philip. Thank you so much for all your help.

Schmidt: Our wedding's gonna be way romantic, bro. Quiches so small you got to wear glasses.
Benjamin: Bitch, we're gonna have more white linen than a hospital in the Great War.
Cece: Yeah, we're gonna have so many fresh cut flowers that you're gonna have a real bee problem up in this bitch.
Benjamin: We're gonna have spanakopita so flaky, you're gonna get crumbs all over your mouth, like, what?
Schmidt: Our tables are gonna be names of cities that we've been to, like, what?
Mimi: Our wedding is gonna be so... big... that the Giants will come to town and everyone gets a big spoon.

Reagan: Winston, you're up.
Winston: Well, that's easy. I've got kind eyes.
Nick: You don't have kind eyes. You have snail eyes. Everybody knows that.
Winston: I've got kind eyes. Aly told me so.
Reagan: Who's Aly?
Winston: Yeah, she's my partner at work. I complimented her first, told her she had a very nice neck, which she does. But what I should have said was, "You got a really cool chin," or "You got some dope earlobes." Honestly, everything about her is great. And when I'm with her, I never really notice time. It's probably because she is the best part of my day. I should... I should have told her one of those things, as opposed to the neck thing, you know. Then she told me I had kind eyes.
Reagan: You like Aly.
Nick: Yes.
Winston: She's my partner.
Nick: Winston! Come on, it's obvious. You like Aly.

Nick: FYI-- your I'm-not-having-sex-tonight outfit is leopard print and tight. I don't know if you know that.
Reagan: It's animal print, but it's not tight. These are baggy, fuzzy PJs with a flap on the butt.
Nick: Exactly my point. You want to see what's in the envelope?
Reagan: It's a blank piece of paper.
Nick: You're so wrong. Does that look like a blank sheet of paper? [shows a piece of paper with writing that isn't clear whether it's Winston or Nick]
Reagan: Very clever.
Nick: Thanks, yeah. I thought of it when I was getting tickets to the World Series of Chili and had to prove that I was human.

Winston: Are you... are you serious?
Reagan: I mean, we're talking about a one-time thing and you can't get weird afterwards, but, yeah, I'm... down for, like, a fun half hour.
Nick: And you would be there?
Reagan: Yes.
Nick: You would physically be there?
Reagan: Yes.
Nick: Can it... be nice?
Reagan: Well, that's on you. Let me know by 9:00.
Nick: What if we die before then?
Reagan: There's not much I can do about that.

Cece: Good luck with these two, because if they get really hungry, then all bets are off.
Winston: Curveball-- maybe we roast a turkey.
Reagan: Have either of you ever made a decision in your lives?
Winston: I make decisions all the time.
Nick: Disrespectful.
Reagan: What's the last decision that you made?
Winston: First of all, you got to make a decision if you gonna make a decision. You know what I mean?
Nick: [whistles, mimics explosion]