Schmidt: Ooh, hey, honey.
Nick: Hey, Ruth, is Aunt Jess here? I really need to talk to her.
Ruth: What's the password?
Winston: Oh, the password. Oh, uh, yeah, it's... Ruth 1.
Ruth: Wrong.
Winston: Ruth 2?
Ruth: Wrong.
Winston: Ruth 3...?
Ruth: Close.
Nick: Don't do this to me, kid.
Ruth: Wrong.
Schmidt: Ruth, honey, just tell us where Aunt Jess is, okay?
Ruth: Sure, for a hundred bucks.
Nick: I ain't got that.
Schmidt: I've never been more proud of that... I mean, this is my daughter. Unbelievable.

Schmidt: Please tell me one of you goons is sober enough to drive this circus to the hospital.
Nick: Not me. I've been drinking all day.
Jess: I only have one working eye!
Russell: Well, I'll take you to the hospital.
Winston: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Aly: Great!
Winston: Uh, we'll beat you up after the baby is born.
Aly: Why would you say that? Babe, why is your crystal out? Were you fighting?

Chaplain: Friends, we've been invited here today to share with Nick and Jess in a very important moment in their lives. Jess, do you take Nick?
Jess: I do.
Chaplain: Nick, do you take Jess?
Nick: I do.
Chaplain: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Nick: Okay. [removes Jess's eyepatch]
Winston: Oh, damn.
Jess: Is it bad?
Joan Day: Mm.
Chaplain: I've seen worse. I mean, literally ten minutes ago.
Nick: I think you'll be happy if it's covered.
Jess: [laughing] Sure. It's you and me now.

Winston: Everybody meet Dan Bill Bishop.
Jess: Oh. Daniel William?
Winston: Nah, Dan Bill.
Schmidt: Uh, is Bill the middle name?
Winston: Nah. Dan Bill. Dan Bill Bishop.
Cece: Family name or...?
Winston: Nah, it's Dan Bill.
Aly: Oh. Tell them you're kidding.
Winston: I'm not kidding. It's Dan Bill Bishop.
Aly: What?
Winston: I'm not joking. It's Dan Bill Bishop.
Aly: We're gonna talk about this.
Winston: You were sleeping. I made an executive decision.

Jess: Look, Nick, I love you. I have no feelings for Russell.
Nick: But how could you not? He is so handsome! I mean, look at him! He's physically outstanding! And it's all my fault! Because I brought the curse on us! Did the curse make you more handsome?! That's my question to you! He is physically incredible!

Nadia: And so, beautiful monkey cracker. Monkey cracker boyfriend. In Russia, we would strap you to goat and see if you live. And if you don't live, we eat the goat. May you die together. [cheering]
Jess: Well, that was wonderful. Did someone ask her to speak?

Schmidt: Okay, so, uh, Nick and Jess asked the two of us to make a toast the night before their wedding.
Winston: But Schmidty and Winnie don't roll like that.
Nick: Uh-oh.
Winston: So why toast...
Both: When we can roast?
Nick: This is about to be really funny.
Schmidt: Okay, let's start with Nick. Now, I don't want to say Nick here is a lazy piece of human garbage with a flat ass and the writing talents of a brain-dead alcoholic.
Winston: [laughs] Because why state the obvious? [Schmidt and Winston laughing] Oh, my God. But in a real way, Nick sucks as a person, y'all.
Schmidt: That's right.
Winston: He really does.
Winston: But more importantly, his writing... also sucks! [Schmidt laughs] You know what they say: you put a thousand monkeys in front of a thousand typewriters...
Schmidt: One of them will be Nick, and he'll probably be writing The Pepperwood Chronicles.
Winston: [laughs] That's a dumb-ass book.

Nick: Maybe this is our fault. We threw this wedding together so fast. And you did tell 'em to go hard.
Jess: I did actually tell them to go "hawd" and to not get "scurred," so th-that's where the confusion might be.
Schmidt: And that brings us to Jess.
Winston: Okay.
Schmidt: Beautiful, big-eyed Jess who could have had any man she wanted in the whole wide world.
Winston: And still can.
Schmidt: And still can.
Winston: She still can.

Nick: Do you think this is funny?
Jess: No.
Schmidt: He's gonna drag you down! That's a loser! Run!
Winston: Yep. And he's a piece of doo-doo on top of it... he won't pleasure you, just himself.

Nick: Do I really have to sleep at Schmidt's house tonight? He wants to do facials. I feel like that's not what I think it means, but I still don't want to do it.
Jess: Well, it is tradition to sleep apart the night before the wedding.
Nick: So, what does, uh, tradition say about hand stuff?
Jess: I'll have to check the book.
Nick: Okay.
Nick: What book?