Cece: Now, okay, look, that hat has a very important memory.
[flashback:]
Man: Hey. I-I'm sorry I'm so bad at doggy-style.
[present:]
Jess: Do you really want to remember Sir Miss-A-Lot?

Jess: I have to finish packing so I can work on the binder! You made me do this! I'm shutting this tiny door!
Cece: Jessica, open the door!
Jess: You're a terrible packer!
Cece: Jessica, open the door!
Jess: Your favorite team is the Green Bay... Not Packers.

Schmidt: Somebody call the G8 Summit because I just felt the climate change.
Nick: I don't get that.

Nick: I'm gonna go. He was average size, thin, wispy blond hair. Oddly shaped, kind of came to a point.
Winston: Uh, what does that mean?
Nick: Top heavy. A bit of a scar as if like from a hook or something.
Dunston: Gross. Ugh. Uh, anything else?
Nick: I think that about does it. You want me to describe what his face and body looked like?
Winston: Yeah, that'd be...
Schmidt: Wait. Have you been describing his penis this whole time?
Nick: All right, that's it. I'm done. I'm not even the one that called you guys. Man!
Dunston: And to be fair, I knew he was talking about a penis the whole time. [shows drawing] See?
Schmidt: That is way too real! Aggressively detailed.
Dunston: I had to guess on the testicles, 'cause he hadn't described 'em.

Winston: Okay, okay, count of three. Count of three. Who is the cuff guy?
Dunston: Alright.
Both: One, two, three, four. Five, six.
Winston: See? I knew you was going to... Okay, count down. All right;
Both: Three. Two, one, zero, negative one.
Winston: Damn it!

Cece: Okay, remember earlier when you told me to leap? You should leap.
Jess: I don't leap. I take small planned steps, like an arthritic dog.
Cece: Really?
[flashback:]
Cece: The last listing is a loft downtown. Bad area. The ad just says it's "sunsoaked and beige-y."
Jess: I don't know. They seem like three nice girls.
[present:]
Cece: And now I am marrying one of those girls and totally freaking out about it.

Schmidt: Do I want to know this story?
Cece: I hope so, because we're about to spend the rest of our lives together. So you're gonna have to hear all my stories.
Schmidt: I want to spend the rest of my life hearing all your stories. Until, of course, my hearing goes out and I get tinnitus. Do you know Dave Letterman has tinnitus?
Cece: Um... About-about what I said on the phone...
Schmidt: I'm a little freaked out, too.
Cece: You are?
Schmidt: Yes. And it has nothing to do with how much I love you.
Cece: Exactly.
Schmidt: Or how much I want to get married.
Cece: Exactly.
Schmidt: We'll be scared together. And we'll be really happy together, too. And we'll be really annoyed together, knowing that we're living with three other people and a cat. Also, I think there's another cat Winston's being very evasive about it, but... [Cece kisses him]
Cece: Mmm. It's a foster cat. I think it's helping him get over the whole Aly thing.

Schmidt: I nursed my pippy back to health here.
Cece: Yeah. I remember.

Nick: Maybe it's Cece's. Isn't she packing up her apartment?
Schmidt: It's not Cece's. She's packing right now, and Jess is going over there later to toast the place good-bye. 'Cause they're adorable.
Winston: Would you consider us adorable?
Nick: No, we're adult men. We're cute.

Winston: Jess, is it me, or has your job become a poo poo festival?
Jess: No, it's fine. It's just the new principal, Becky Cavatappi. She took over for Foster when he retired. I do all her work and she does all the working of her cleavage.
[flashback:]
Jess: But the budget's your job, Becky.
Becky Cavatappi: Ah... Principal Cavatappi. Like I always say: don't call me Becky unless you're riding me like a horse.
Jess: [awkward chuckle] We work in a middle school. Really.
[present:]
Jess: This is the budget, or the next week of my life. You know what they say... your life is just weeks and then you die.