Nick: If you don't want Abby to live here, Jessica, why don't you just tell her?
Jess: Nick, you can't just tell Abby to do something, 'cause she'll do the opposite. So I'm gonna have to go find a place for her to live and make her think it's her idea. She can't find out what I'm up to. Do you think you can keep her busy and lie to her all day?
Nick: Jess, I come from a family of con artists and liars. And the one thing I learned is, you can't lie to a liar. It don't fly.
Jess: Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.
Nick: No, I shouldn't. Wait a second. Are you doing reverse psychology?
Jess: Yeah, it is reverse psychology.
Nick: That is reverse psychology, so you just reversed it, so now it's reverse, reverse, which is just psychology.
Jess: Hmm, which one is it?
Nick: You outfoxed me. I'm in. I'm going to do it.

Coach: So, our time is up, but, um, I don't have any more clients, so, uh Oh. You brought it with that less set, ma. [Steph laughs] I got to tell you. I mean, what can't that butt do?
Steph: You shaped it, so you get dibs.
Coach: Mmm. Dibs. [laughter]
Winston: Can I get dibs? Because both y'all butts look great. I mean, I can't tell who's in first place.

Winston: I choked. I choked, man. I'm 31. I have nothing figured out. Can I not find a job? I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
Coach: Dude, they're hiring here.
Winston: You know I can't work here, man. They never have any cookies.
Coach: It's all the better, man! There's no pressure. You get this job and then when you're ready, you try the cop thing again.
Winston: Okay.
Coach: See?
Winston: Yeah. But now I'm sitting here thinking about how badly I need this job.
Coach: Stop!
Winston: I need this job real bad.
Coach: Excuse me, um, could we get a job application over here, please?
Winston: In a way, I have a lot more riding on this job than I do the cop thing. God, I'd love to work here!

Jess: I got the apartment! The place is great. The only thing I'm a little worried about is there is a Russian grocery store down the block and Abby has a little bit of a weird thing with ethnic white people. But I think she could really thrive there!

Jess: Where is she?
Nick: Where's who?
Jess: Abby.
Nick: Ab? Oh, she's sleeping. By herself. Which is called "napping."

Schmidt: Who wants to rediscover couscous?
Nick: Hey, what the hell are you doing here, Schmidt?
Abby: I invited him. I live here, too, right?
Nick: Yeah, but...
Jess: It's okay, Abby can make her own decisions, no matter what they might lead to.
Abby: Thank you.
Jess: Now, somebody call the pound 'cause my stomach is growling. I said my stomach is growling.
Nick: Sp... Okay, uh, speaking of dinner, there are a lot of great options in North Hollywood. It's a real hot spot full of young, hip people who will be the leaders of tomorrow.

Schmidt: Hey, uh, Jess? Can I borrow your glasses? We're gonna role-play as you guys.
Jess: Ew. No.
Schmidt: You don't understand. She's not gonna be you. I'm gonna be you.
Jess: Ugh! Get out, Schmidt!
Nick: Get out of here!

Coach: Winston. Winston! Yo! Winston! Dude, you failed, man. You failed hard! At everything!
Winston: Dude, this pep talk sucks.
Coach: I'm not finished.
Winston: Like, seriously, it's like the Winston of pep talks.
Coach: Look at me. You can do this, Winston. Because now there's nothing to be afraid of. You hit rock bottom, man. This is the worst it's gonna get.

Winston: Sir, it has been my dream to become a cop. And no one's gonna stand in my way not you, not him...
Coach: Hey, I was helping.
Winston: and definitely not myself. I would like to retake this test.
Cop: Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.
Winston: Man, what about my last score makes you think I'm ready to take this test again in 12 hours?
Coach: He'll be there.
Winston: Yeah, I'll be there.

Jess: I think I really needed to say that stuff to my sister. She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
Nick: Oof.
Jess: He has no idea. I'm sorry my family's so crazy.
Nick: Crazy? Your family's not crazy. My family's crazy. My father used to trade horse semen. I've got an uncle whose God-given name is Shifty. [both laugh]
Jess: [holding knife] Well, thank goodness we're the sane ones.