Winston: No! Come on! People, just please listen to me. Stop throwing your damn keys! The werewolves come out at night, man. I don't want nobody to eat me! I got big thighs. I got a fat ass.
Nick: Relax.
Winston: We are in the middle of the desert, and nobody is going to find our bodies!
Nick: Come here.
Winston: What?
Nick: You're having a nervous breakdown. You're having a nervous breakdown.

Nick: Okay, great. Um, as you guys know, I'm moving in with Caroline, and I'm glad we can talk about this like adults.
Schmidt: Caroline is, uh, quite the baker. [throws cookie]
Nick: Anything else, anyone?
Jess: You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.

Nick: I'm going to start over, 'cause this did not go the way I had planned. As you guys know, I'm leaving, so there are some things we need to work out.
Winston: Yeah, like, what am I going to do with all that extra money I have now that I don't have to cover for you any more?
Nick: Okay.
Winston: Maybe I'll buy a city.
Schmidt: Oh, and you can open a mall and call it Winston's Corners.

Schmidt: Winston, can you take me to the doctor tomorrow? He's taking the bandages off.
Winston: Wow.
Schmidt: The old Washington Monument. Ready to serve this great nation once again.
Winston: Can you stop?
Schmidt: What? It's time to make this horse into a unicorn.

Nick: All right, so that's everything. I took my fair share of rubber bands, so I don't want to hear about it. In my room, you will find a shoe box. In that box, there is a guinea pig that I said I would bury, so please deal with it.
Schmidt: There's a corpse in your room?
Nick: All right, guys, well, thanks for helping me move. What are we standing in a circle for, like a bunch of weirdos? Let's go.

Nick: [on tape] This next song goes out to a very special girl, Gwen Bressler. I know you like breakfast, but how do you feel about... "Breakfast at Tiffany's"?
Nick: "Breakfast at Tiffany's."
Cece: Oh, that is a terrible song.
Nick: This is a great song. You guys are crazy. Listen to the lyrics. Oh, man. I feel it in my body. Are you kidding me? This is in my bones. [sings] I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's"?
Schmidt: No!
Nick: Something, something Da da-da da-ta
Nick: [on tape] Gwen, you don't even know my name, do you? "How Bizarre."
Nick: Oh, yes, this is where Nick got cool again.

Cece: Why are you trying to push me away?
Schmidt: I saw your phone, Cece. I saw the text message from Gino. Your colleague.
Cece: You went through my phone?
Schmidt: What? No. Winston... Winston went through your phone.
Cece: That is not okay. This is about trust, Schmidt, okay? It's about trust. And I told you how this was gonna be, and I asked you to get okay with it.
Schmidt: How am I supposed to trust you, Cece? You slept with me. I mean, that doesn't say much about your taste in men. And I have more than one book on my Kindle. And a subscription to Cricket. And a lot of PDFs!

Jess: Look how pronounced Nick's couch hole got. All this time I thought he was just sitting here drinking beer and complaining, he was making something.

Winston: Look, while you're at it, can you please call an exterminator so we can get rid of that crime against nature?
Jess: Yeah, he's not fooling anyone. You think, just 'cause he's a snappy dresser, the mice don't see the hammer? Mice come from all over the building to laugh at that dummy witch.

Schmidt: Is this a freaking carob chip? What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate? [throws cookie] You idiot.