Winston: I told Aly she'd make a beautiful bride someday, and then she just bounced. I mean, why'd I say that? We've been dating a month.
Nick: Dude, Schmidt lost his vows!
Winston: For the wedding?!
Schmidt: No, different vows.
Winston: Oh, so then what's the big deal?
Schmidt: What is wrong with you people?!

Schmidt: In the marketplace of ideas, where culture is king, and data moves faster than people, where scalable opportunities come from turnkey solutions
Elizabeth: What are you trying to say, Schmidt? Is it over?
Schmidt: No... no. As if. Of course I picked you. It wasn't even close. Come here, you crazy white girl. [they kiss]
Elizabeth: There it is. Poor Cece.
Schmidt: Uh, yeah, okay.

Nick: Ta-da!
Schmidt: What do you mean? What is ta-da? We drove here together and parked before you covered my eyes. What is the surprise investment, Nick?
Nick: The bar. Mike's selling us ten percent.
Mike: I really need the cash. I got swindled by a young gay roller skater. A rink twink.
Schmidt: I know what a rink twink is, Mike.

Schmidt: Oh, my God. The Melman funeral?
Ouli: No.
Schmidt: We were both sitting next to... to Un... Un-Uncle Jack? Yeah, sure.
Ouli: I don't know Uncle Jack or Mel...
Schmidt: Oh, my... I used to do your hair in Tribeca.

Nick: What's this?
Schmidt: Got you a cookie.
Nick: What, you have, like...? Have, like, an extra?
Schmidt: No.
Nick: So you just, like, got me a cookie?
Schmidt: Yeah, I was thinking about you.
Nick: What do you mean you were thinking about me?
Schmidt: What do you mean? I don't know. I was thinking about you. Think about you a lot, bro.
Nick: Why?
Schmidt: I don't know. Because you're my friend, you're on my mind. What, do you not think about me?
Nick: Of course not!
Schmidt: Oh.

Schmidt: Well? I suppose we could just get out and ask any of these street youths.
Winston: I'll let you get out the car first. Go ahead, do your thing, man.
Schmidt: I don't want to ask the wrong person and end up with some sub-par crack. I want the fresh crack, you know? Not some crack that's been laying around all day. Ooh... I'm really starting to schvitz.
Winston: We don't have to do this. Man, we could just turn this car around, forget this ever happened, and get you some frozen yogurt.
Schmidt: I will not let you deny who you are any longer. Not on my watch.

Winston: Hey, what's going on, guys? Ooh! Ah!
Schmidt: Walk with dignity, you giant toddler.
Winston: Come on, Schmidt, you got to get this stuff out of here, man.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I can't afford storage. All my money's tied up in the storefront I leased for Jess' sister.
Nick: So why don't you put your junk in the storefront, Schmidt?
Schmidt: You really want me to put an Ian Schrager rug in a room without climate control?
Nick: What? Oh, he was the guy in Star Wars. Medium talent.

Schmidt: [knocks] Jess, are you pregnant? I feel like I made it weird with the pregnancy thing, you guys. Did I make it weird with the pregnancy thing? 'Cause I really feel like I did. I feel like, in my heart, that that was a that was the wrong to say, especially to two women who are sitting alone in a room together. You know, I don't know where you guys are at with your lives But you're certainly getting up to an age where babies are on your mind, and-and I didn't want to throw that into the mix. I could see that you were emotional, Jess, when you left, and I, and I don't want to make you more emotional by bringing up pregnancy. And, Cece, you can probably barely spell "pregnancy." And I feel terrible. Are you frickin' razzing me in there? Did I just here a razz? Damn it! [knocks]

Schmidt: I just wanted to say-
Winston: Grumpy Gus!
Schmidt: No! No! No!
Winston: Grumpy Gus.
Schmidt: Sweet mother of sea dragon!
Cece: What? What happened?
Schmidt: I just witnessed a dolphin being cut straight in half by our keel. It's a ghastly sight.
Winston: What?
Cece: That's horrible!
Schmidt: Terrible.
Winston: It's a shame about the dolphin, man. Really is. [Schmidt tackles Winston] What?!

Cece: Okay, look, babe, just get out on the dance floor, okay? Guys think that they way you dance is the way you have sex.
Jess: Okay.
Cece: So just give them a little something, okay? You just need to, like, roll your body a little bit. Something a little sexy. Pop your hip out a little bit.
Schmidt: [to Nick] Hey, man, I'm not gonna lie to you right now. I've got a halfie.
Nick: Okay, we got to go! Excuse me, everybody!
Schmidt: I need a minute.
Jess: What do you think of this? Mm... hmm... Mm-mm.
Schmidt: I'm good to go now.
Nick: Let's go!