Nick: You want me to say the word that starts with a "B," ends with a "D"?
Sam: Yeah. Say "beard" one more time, bro. Say the word "beard," bro!
Nick: [quietly] Beard. [Sam punches Nick]
Jess: Nick, are you dying? 'Cause it looks like you're dying!
Nick: Not dying.
Genevieve: [to Sam] Who are you?
Sam: I don't know what it is. I just can't help it with this guy.
Nick: Why didn't you just hit me in the nads like a normal person, Sam?

Nick: Jim Morrison. That's who you look like.

Jess: Honesty, I stole coffee from a bagel restaurant. Um, I didn't know how the line worked. Okay, now I've talked. Uh, who wants to go next... Sam?
Sam: Sure, uh, Honesty, I honestly want Nick to apologize for kissing Jess.
Nick: I did apologize, Sam.
Jess: Real, real quick... you have to address Honesty directly.
Nick: You want me to talk to a chair? [quietly] I don't want to.
Jess: Hey, you like soup? Right? You like soup, right?
Nick: Of course I like soup.
Jess: All right, well, address the chair and I'll make you some soup.
Nick: No strings attached.
Jess: Well, except for the string of the chair.
Nick: All right.

Genevieve: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call my childhood phone number and scream at whoever picks up. I'll see you Monday.
Jess: Wait, I got the job?
Genevieve: Of course you did. This was one of the most profound. Feelings Farm I have ever been a part of. Radical, Jess, radical.
Jess: Uh, yeah, I have questions about where to park and stuff, but you know, I'll just, uh, I'll text you!

Winston: I can't believe it just took a high fever for me to like this show.
Schmidt: Well, I hate it. Why is the Crispy Castle bigger than Mount Tummy Tum? It's dang gibberish.
Jess: How was your presentation?
Schmidt: [groans] Well, thank you for asking. It was a disaster.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: We can expect robust grow... [snorts]
Kim: Are you holding in a sneeze?
Schmidt: [quietly] Mm-mm. [quiet sneeze]
Kim: God, where did it even go?
Schmidt: [chuckles] [rapid-fire sneezing]
Kim: Son of a bitch.
[present:]
Schmidt: How did I get sick? I was so careful.

Schmidt: Into quarantine, you. Huge presentation at Ass-Strat tomorrow, and I cannot be sick for it. Women I work with hate weakness. You show up sick, you-you might as well be dead.