Jess: Boo! Sorry to startle you.
Nick: You didn't startle us.
Winston: Yeah, you struggled with the lock for, like, 30 seconds.
Jess: I got a new job!
Cece: Babe, that's great.
Nick: Oh, that's awesome.
Jess: Well, not really "new." I'm starting on a trial basis tomorrow.
Cece: So where is it? Is it at that super crunchy school?
Jess: It's the most progressive school in Los Angeles. It's basically heaven if heaven were populated with kids that look like tiny members of Arcade Fire.

Genevieve: And this is our nondenominational Eden.
Jess: [gasps] Wow.
Genevieve: I know.
Jess: Did the kids build the chicken coup?
Genevieve: Yep. Only hens, though, obviously. Banyon Canyon has a strict "zero cocks" policy.
Jess: I like how it... it encourages the chickens to stay inside but doesn't force them.
Genevieve: In line with our philosophy. Who are we to tell the children what to learn and when?
Jess: Their teachers?

Nick: Guys, I'm on the mend.
Cece: Sorry, Nick. [Nick sneezes] Winston here has got that hot coffee date tomorrow, so...
Winston: But, to be clear, the date's hot, not the coffee. Uh, thinking about going iced.
Nick: Don't look at my hands.

Schmidt: Thanks for backing me up, boo.
Cece: Oh, you know how boo do.
Schmidt: You know who's my boo? I got a clue it's you.
Cece: Aw... [sneezes]
[cut to Cece with Nick in his quarantined bedroom]

Cece: What are we... what are we watching?
Nick: I just started streaming it, and now it won't stop playing.
Cece: What is it?
Nick: It's hard to say. It's either a puppet show for kids, or it's North Korean propaganda.
Cece: Pretty weird.

Jess: Hi, Sam.
Sam: Hi.
Genevieve: Have you met before?
Sam: We... Yeah, we've met.
Jess: We did. Yes, that's right, we met, we met.
Genevieve: [laughing] How funny.
Jess: Um, a bunch of times. A lot of times. Very many. A lot of times. We met a lot... Yeah. Sometimes in the day, sometimes... in the, uh, nighttime.
Genevieve: Oh.
Sam: It was, you know...
Jess: Yeah, we, I mean... [long silence] Yeah.
Genevieve: Oh. Bye, Jess.
Sam: Nice to see you.

Genevieve: Um... Did you bake... Sam brownies?
Jess: No. Chocolate's way too sexual. [laughs] This is just good, old-fashioned Kansas cornbread.
Genevieve: Jess...
Jess: No.
Genevieve: My gut is telling me this isn't going to work out.
Jess: Please give me a chance to make this right. Five minutes.
Genevieve: Mmm... [high-pitched] Mmm...

Genevieve: How long did you two share your journeys?
Sam: Couple months.
Jess: But at first it was just sex.
Genevieve: Mmm. Mmm.
Sam: I used sex as a wall around my heart.
Genevieve: Mmm.
Sam: Uh, Jess climbed that wall many, many times.
Genevieve: Mmm.
Sam: Uh, couldn't stop climbing it.
Jess: I think I was not the only climber to climb that wall.
Sam: Until we decided to become a one-wall, one-climber mountain. And then you invited another climber to lick your toehold.
Jess: My roommate, Nick, kissed me. I'm so sorry, Sam.
Sam: I exist only in the present. All of that's behind me.

Genevieve: What... what about this Nick? Is he sorry?
Jess: I think Nick's kind of still upset that Sam punched him in the throat.
Genevieve: What? Sam... so tender and delicate...
Jess: You haven't met Nick. He's just the most throat-punchable boy in all the world.
Sam: I don't care. I don't even... Nick is a whatever, I don't even have to...
Genevieve: Sam, do you need this Nick to apologize for wounding you?
Sam: I do.

Sam: I'd like to apologize, Nick, for punching you in the throat. I know it hurt a whole lot.
Nick: Not that much, but you did it, so...
Sam: Okay. And I feel like you should apologize to me for kissing my girlfriend.
Nick: Yes, uh, right. Cool.
Jess: [exhales] Well, that went so well.
Sam: I-I don't really feel like that was a genuine apology, and-and I'd really like one. Yeah. I mean... did you feel like it was genuine? No. Actually, he didn't even apologize.