TV Quotes

Schmidt: Okay, neither of you are coming. I've been studying up for a full week. I can actually speak conversational Hindi. If that conversation is, "Hello." "Hello." "Samosa?" "Yes, please, Samosa." "More towels?" "Do you know where the white person's toilet is?" After that, it gets very confusing.
Nick: Can you drive in that dress?
Schmidt: You're right, I can't. All right, you're driving. Let's go.

Cece: You told me you had moved on.
Schmidt: Only people who haven't moved on say things like that. I'm a squirrel. You're my nut. Winter's coming. I'm gonna store you in my cheek, girl.
Cece: Please leave.
Schmidt: You and I not being together does not make sense to me. I miss your body and the things I used to do to it.
Cece: Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm talking about sex.
Cece: Today is about me finding someone within my own culture that I can build my life with. It's about more than sex.
Schmidt: Our sex was about more than sex. It was about history and memory and thousands of years of colonial suffering all being released in one moment of pure ecstasy.
Cece: Then why did the sex always end with you yelling, "Blammo, that happened"?
Schmidt: Blammo.

Cece: Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Cece Schmidt. So if any of you have anything else you'd like to say to my husband, I will drag you outside and we will handle this L.A. style. I will take you to the corner of Fairfax and La Brea. [crowd booing]
Winston: Those are parallel streets.
Nick: I'm not telling her that.
Louise: That's my daughter! We have to leave. Where's my car?
Jess: Even though your car is definitely here, it's a beautiful night... let's walk.
Winston: Okay, look, she clearly did something weird with your car, but I got something. Trust us.
Cece: Sepulveda! La Cienega, bitches. El Matador beach.
Schmidt: You're just naming places in Southern California.
Cece: Nickel Canyon!

Schmidt: How can I survive another nine months of pregnant Cece? She was so mean to me.
[flashback:]
Schmidt: I got your wings, my love.
Cece: I wanted all flats, no drumlets! Do they look flat to you?! [muffled grunting] Do they look flat to you?!
[present:]
Schmidt: She tried to jam the business end of a drumlet straight up my tuchus. And then things got worse. I can only describe what I experienced next as... anti-Semitic.
[flashback:]
Cece: Hey, gefilte face! Quit playing "Where's My Foreskin?" and get in here and rub my feet before I divorce your Yentl-loving, Ashkenazi ass!