Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, nothing? Damn it! I've been trying to get something going with myself for a full hour. It's like a taffy pull on a hot summer's day.
Jess: Eww! You have the door open, Schmidt.
Schmidt: I'm over myself ... I just don't do it for me anymore. I even bought myself a sexy pair of underpants to spice things up ... didn't happen. I just laid there. You know what? That's it. Tonight, I start having sex again. Now, are you two gonna join me?

Cece: Oh, my best friend has texted me, like, 12 times.
Shivrang: I get it ... you're just trying to get out of the date.
Cece: No, no, no ... no, this is real.
Shivrang: It's the kids thing. I knew it.
Cece: Some psycho keeps scratching at her door and then running away. She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher. I mean, is that a thing?
Shivrang: What?
Cece: I don't keep up with local news.

Nick: Look how handsome I look.
Jess: That is a woman's coat.
Nick: This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.
Jess: And it has room for your hips.
Nick: And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
Jess: You're wearing a dress.
Winston: Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."
Nick: My coat makes me say things like that.